Honing the Leechcraft

I had to piss when Lady Miss Friday woke me up and saw the light still on in the living room. Julian had passed out on the couch. I took care of the kids at 7 and was surprised to hear him get up around 8ish? 9ish? Something like that. Less surprised to hear a beer can open. I joined him on the couch when I got up for real, he wanted to hear "Blow" by Beyoncé and maybe go roller skating. Skate parks were closed so he moved on to buying property. Dorota told him they're going to charge $1500 for the studio next to me and he figured that would be better put towards a mortgage. I completely agree, we just can't afford a mortgage either. I suggested he talk to realtor when he wouldn't trust the mortgage calculators. But for today, I suggested checking out the therapy place. It being Labor Day, he declined. Terry came over and remarked about us not having sex. Terry does love his drama, but it made a good time to talk about Julian's drinking. He agreed to use the breathalyzer going forward and blew 0 when I went to piss. I saw him blowing at the end, it just seems unlikely for someone who's been drinking all morning to blow 0. It's fine, maybe it will encourage him to use it more. When I mentioned the last couple evenings, he went on the offensive. He screamed about my getting fired (probably) and just kept going on and on about my weed usage and tried to say I paid off my psychiatrist to get ketamine. There was a lot there and I couldn't tell which things were supposed to be information given at close range for the gag, and the bind, and the ammunition round and which were throwing everything to see what stuck. There is nothing anyone could possibly say that would even register given the vitriol I immerse daily. But he was obviously very hurt, and when he ran out of steam, I hugged him. Of course it nearly turned to fucking, but I declined and that set him off again. He stormed out. I knew better than to go to Lady Miss Friday, since that also sets him off and I knew he'd be back. He did come back, though that quickly turned to berating me. It was a good 5-10 minutes, and I couldn't tell if he was venting or Gish Galloping. He talked a lot about divorce and even took his ring off. For both healthy and unhealthy reasons, though, that's not a threat. That will likely be an issue going forward. I imagine most folks with combination abandonment and trust issues have similar difficulties. There is a balancing act between independence and codependence. It turns out he was terrified about me fucking other men and falling for them, so placed extreme importance on us fucking and was very hurt by my declining. That translated to me as him getting his validation from sex, and I tried to empathize. I've obviously been there, though with different motives. I repeated that completely monogamous couples fall for others, but that I want the best for him no matter what relationship we end up in. We fucked after this time - it didn't seem like it would wash everything we talked about away.

Julian fell asleep post-coitally and I went to say hi to Lady Miss Friday but found her alarmed. Mostly just seemed to want company, which is kind of surprising. But convenient. And flattering. I got an email from Weedmaps about terpenes and started thinking about buying some to add to my carts. The Quest might have been getting a little intense, and I know my obsession with getting out of my head can be dangerous. I was considering drinking or even using again. I know. When Lady Miss Friday started walking around again I went out to the living room to journal on his laplet. Figured there were some details about the discussion from earlier I wouldn't want to forget and that Julian would want me there when he woke. He was happy but also...confused. Didn't know what day or time it was. We've all been there, but more than that, he didn't remember any of this morning. I gave some landmarks for his memory, though I consciously avoided directly mentioning the fight(s). Maybe I was worried some of my own subconscious bias would poison my telling, maybe just not wanting to set him off again. He apologized when he remembered, but in spite of the ammunition used this morning, I think a lot of important things were said, and even more were maybe signaled or something? LIke...they're foreshadowing. In the evening he told his mom he's surprised I married him and not LMF. HAH! Not that I didn't think about it. He explained to her once before that while most of the universe is heliocentric, my world is LMFcentric. She's my sun. He wasn't sure what he wanted for dinner and was initially going to order pizza again, but there's still a dearth of vegan options. I sort of get it. Especially with government subsidies, cheese is cheap and the profit margin on a pizza sale is huge. Vegan cheese is relatively new and means less profit. But less profit vs no sale... I was going to try to make tacos but couldn't find the new tortillas. I don't think we had any more ground "beef," either, so I'd have broken up burgers or cooked up tofu instead. Julian took charge, made some fried rice and pot stickers, and it was good. Perfect portions, too. Didn't have to worry about gorging or practicing self control. I felt like I should have done the dishes but I didn't have the energy.