The BIG (almost) 4-0

Sent the admission first thing. Lynelle thanked me for my honesty and told me it'd be a write up at the minimum. Didn't hear anything else, so I just went about as though nothing happened and I managed to get completely caught up again. Rawr. I messaged W4Less and got all excited when they said they had house live resin in! Then equally disappointed when they meant just the dabbable concentrate and not carts. Not that I say no to any THC, but carts have thus far been more efficient and therefore affordable. They promised me this time for real they'd take my number and message me when stock came in, and also that I'd get prerolls as a birthday gift. Tim called to ask my plans for the night but I had no idea. We delved somewhat into why that is, and it's related to the Scoreboard and my trouble accepting anything from anyone. And now I'm linking it with the belief that no one loves me, they're only concerned with what I can do for them. Kind of puts a selfish spin on my desperate need to help others. It turns out that goes further, because I feel like I have to bribe my friends. I believe my friends only tolerate me, so I have to make it worth their while. I'm not that bad, I do sometimes decline the folks who just want to hear themselves talk or a phone sex session, it was just something I hadn't realized before. For a moment I kind of wished I said yes when Julian suggested a game night. Tim said he'd stop by in the evening with Pupple.

Julian was going to go to the store for cigarettes and I figured I'd snag some meds via Beneflex while I still can. Just before we left I missed a call from W4Less - carts in stock! Happy birthday, me! They had 3 strains, so I bought 6 of each. If only I could have split them evenly into 20. Went to the store anyway, just because they've always been later than their furthest estimate so I didn't worry about missing them. And I got to be a great customer at Ralph's even though there was an issue with the naproxen. That one's not covered, I guess. Julian bought me a card at the store over my protests and even got secretive about it. Kind of adorable, really. Whatever form of humor that is, with someone telling the mark not to tell the mark.

We put away the meds when we got in and he gave me the card. Cats, cats everywhere! And he wrote little speech bubbles for each of them, including inside jokes like my mom's insistence on wishing me a happy 40th birthday. I went out with him when he went to smoke. I don't have great connectivity and last time the driver called me from the parking lot before any text updates made it through. Sam walked by and joined us, then accompanied us inside for a glass of water. I usually get indicas - I'm goal oriented, and that goal is couchlock. Since Tom and Chuck's party when someone asked for sativa, though, I thought it was time to branch out. Sativa has a reputation for inspiring creativity, so I figured that would be appropriate for a night of music. I talked about Fox Den and asked what to call them and their music. Mini-raves...but that doesn't feel quite right. He brought up Keiino and I totally forgot to tell Julian since I think he'd like them, I just also don't want to hear them myself. He also showed a Disney Princess Cell Block Tango, and while I liked Ariel's, it was clear they were singers and not dancers. Or actors.

Tim got there a little late but brought Pupple and a vegan cake. Then insisted I have a slice with him so I didn't archive it in the freezer. It was really good. Been a long time since I'd had cake, much less what tasted like ganache. Sadly, Pupple didn't get along with Gizmo, but mostly just due to species differences like with LMF. Julian let the kids out to help with the juggling. We could join the circus. I swapped from the Skywalker (indica) I started to Candyland (sativa). It felt appropriate.

Tim and Sam expressed more concern over my job. Tim said I should send an addendum about my psychological issues that make me a workaholic, while Sam was worried about discipline from the Bar. Sam hates being corrected, so even after I explained that the Bar is mostly worried about things like fraud and embezzlement, he maintained that they'd disbar me for plotting to secretly work OT and get caught after 3 years. Sure, Jan. No one could really think of how they're going to punish me. Neither stayed that late and Julian and I put on music. I saw a missed call from my mom; nothing earth shattering, just a Happy 40th voicemail. I tried to call her back but it went straight to voicemail. I also saw a missed call from Colleen, though that one was much more recent. She answered and it was a really lovely, insightful conversation. I was pretty squeaked, but there were some things I sort of realized as I said them. She asked about the situation at work and I realized that while ADI is special, that adage about not killing yourself for a company that would replace you before your funeral still rings true. Julian was pretty squeaked himself, though he was tipsy as well as stoned. He was saying something about architecture, but some other city than Helsinki. Eventually, he said something about snow and my mind jumped to "A Wish" from Secret of Mana. The forest from Kaskade & Deadmau5' "I Remember" would be great to that, just slowed and maybe color shifting like the video game. That was what he was trying to think of. Doesn't matter how we work, just that we do. I sent the video to Colleen as it hit me that I think that song was the first time I'd ever heard or thought of progressive house music with insightful lyrics. Julian got a bit lost at that point and neither of us could figure it out. It really sort of sounded like a bunch of random words all dubbed into the tone of a sentence.

I felt guilty about talking to Colleen and not mom, but as I thought about it more, I thought it was for the best. My mom might've been irritated at our inebriations, where Colleen for whatever reason probably found it funny at worst. Julian thanked me for going to the store, which seemed a bit of a non sequitur at first, and then I thought he was still playing at the card being a surprise, but then he told me he was thinking about buying (and chugging) a small bottle of vodka when he went to the store. He might still have abstained, but my going guaranteed it. I'm really impressed at this ability to look at himself, and told him so. I had celestial moments with so many tracks I've dreamed of over the years. Kaskade vs Swedish House Mafia - Fire In Your New Shoes vs One (Kaskade Remix / C.FLO Video Edit), for example. He was talking at one point and just stopped. He could tell by the look on my face I was on the hunt for a memory. And I'm adding Runnin' to tracks I can listen to on repeat without actually hearing them. He kept trying to apologize for not having planned or done anything but it was just a really amazing, gorgeous night. I thought we might fuck, though I didn't say anything and Julian decided he was hungry. Neither of us were in a position to drive, and I sort of hoped that would deter him, maybe push him to have burgers from home instead of a fast food joint. He bought $70 from Burger King, though he included an Impossible Burger for me. His eyes were comparatively gargantuan again, but it was delightful watching him sit there in the middle of his feast, drunk and delighted. Especially funny since stoners are supposed to be the snackers, I thought.