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Decision Had to be Made
Aug. 27th, 2021 01:21 pmNot a great morning for it, but I woke up at 4 again. Took care of the morning chores, plus drank Julian's excess coffee and some of my own, and added a couple caffeine pills. Took care of eservice and the NOAs, though both had head starts. Eservice was mostly done by Carl yesterday and I took care of the NOAs. Amazingly, despite Carl telling me we had a ton of mail, there were almost no 1's,2's,6's, or 9's. It just so happened that the digits for the two folks who were out didn't have anything. I also noticed that all the eservice mail was already read. How about that. I took care of the smattering that was left for my digits, but I mostly just worked on the spreadsheet all day. Almost entirely, really, to the point that I'll be back to Square 1 on Monday. Not quite, just back a couple steps. The spreadsheet itself was as confusing as it was damning. I couldn't figure out even how to respond, but I kept things chipper. Yeah, I got cocky, I fucked up, but I like these people as people. No reason to Jerry McGuire the exit. Thanks to some of the confusing entries, I didn't get it sent. That set me off even further and I was terrified I'd log back in on Monday to see that they terminated me over the weekend. I very badly wanted to crawl into a bottle.
Julian came home just a little later than expected for his lunch break, but I still made his afternoon coffee before ducking back into my cave. I was surprised when he called for me a few minutes later. Other Julian was there with a friend and they needed to stay for a while. OJ said his friend just needed to get ready for work and he needed to wait for his sister to pick him up. Something about his new iPhone 12 having technical issues and Verizon being jerks. How or why a homeless person buys a new iPhone 12 is a complete mystery to me, but that's none of my business. I said it was fine for them to get ready and wait, I had a job to do and was trying to get that spreadsheet addressed. They both showered and then OJ said his friend was hungry and asked if he could borrow some eggs. I was very confused. I'm vegan - I don't have eggs. He ate a tortilla instead. OJ also asked if we were mad at him. No, we both just have a lot of plates spinning. They were both gone by the time my Julian got home. A few more packages arrived, including the vacuum! Or the item labeled as a vacuum when I bought it. It was a blue windbreaker. Told the company I'd be getting a refund, went looking for other quiet vacuums. I found one that looked good, but couldn't find the decibel rating. I called the seller and they didn't know either, but said they'd have a look and get back to me tomorrow. Also no word from W4less - they said they'd let me know when they got stock in, but I think they've told me that before. Julian made commission again - score! I'm so glad he's found a healthy professional relationship. He also asked why OJ tried to reset his password but I didn't pay them much attention. We had the Fox Den event tonight and Tim was going to bring Pupple. As the afternoon went on, though, both my uncertainty on what to do and the exhaustion caught up with me. I kept putting off getting ready until I finally told Julian and Tim that I wasn't going to make it. Event started at 6, it was almost 7 when I told them. I was still going to give them $20 for the night, just because I appreciate the events, but the anxiety over work was too heavy. Julian still wanted to go, and while I was down for him to go alone, he wanted me there. Promised we could leave early, but also tried to guilt trip me that he'd have to get fuel before work if I didn't go. I'm not really sure that went quite the way he was expecting, but I did eventually agree to go. There was enough fuel left that I still didn't have to put any in the car.
Even though we didn't get there until 7:30, we were still easily the first people there. But it was fine and so, so needed. The sunset was beautiful and the music...I grooved right there on the the sidewalk, though I didn't put on a full show. Tim ended up being the one not able to make it - he was stuck working and it was exhausting. Since we were only going to be there for a bit, Julian just brought a beer with him so he'd be neither donating nor pilfering, but when a few other folks showed up and talked about the fireworks at 9:45, he asked to stay. Initially he offered for me to go put fuel in the car and buy him beer, but I declined. He went himself and pointed to the benches so I could sit and relax my back. I still Shazamed music from the benches and went over and over and over everything for work in my head. When Julian got back, we met or re-met a gent named Michael, ran into a Chad, Andrew, Mike, et al, and saw Bryce, though I don't think we've ever been actually introduced. My pens ran out of juice, but just in time to keep Michael from taking a hit and risking his drug test in a few weeks. I'm a devoted enabler, but I do still try to avoid or reduce harm. It made it very awkward when he asked. His knowing, voluntary risk, but maybe he just needed me to be strong for him and tell him no? Julian said he should be fine if the test was in a couple weeks, so I relented. I was very tempted to leave early, but managed to stay there and up through the fireworks. The fireworks were admittedly pretty, and Julian and I video chatted with his mom, but Julian lamented the duration when it ended. He was expecting a much longer show.
I drove us home since I was sober and he'd been drinking, and I was going to go directly to bed. Figured I had a long day, long week, and this way I could ensure a medication surplus. He asked me to stay up a little longer with him, so I took my antidepressant and started going through some of the music I gathered at the Fox Den. It was honestly a somewhat terrific/ffying night. Everything that was going through my head about work, what it would mean for this timeline....it really fucked with me and I thought about calling a 5150 on myself. I talked myself back from the edge remembering Lady Miss Friday. Still my life raft., though that also got very frightening when I started thinking of ways I could still go. Julian advised me to put work out of my mind and it nudged me that I do have a life outside of work, that my life and theirs will continue. I decided to tell them. Even announced it, so it would be y'know...out there. Can't unring a bell. Also, I calculated a rough estimate out and while the OT for the discrepancies will be expensive, I'll still be making less than a staff attorney this year. ADI's a great place to work, just problematic for someone with Great Depression syndrome.
OJ and his friend came back close to midnight and My Julian, drunk and stoned though he was, went out to talk to them. I heard occasional words but I know myself well enough to stay away when mommy and daddy are fighting. When MJ came back inside he said OJ and friend were on meth. He'd asked why OJ tried to get into his account and OJ said he just got confused due to their names. MJ didn't believe him. MJ's email is chazwallzer, so it has nothing whatsoever do to with his name. MJ sent a final text and he said he'd call the cops if they came back. Ironically, he talked a lot about how frustrating it is to not be able to trust Julian since he lies so much. Throughout the night he apologized for it all, but since I'm a just girl who can't say no, it's really helpful to have someone who can set boundaries around. I think I might have been able to say no to OJ here as well, just given the crowd already in here, but better safe than sorry and MJ physically blocking the door would definitely qualify. I thanked him repeatedly, both to allay his insistent anxiety and with my idifficulty with showing affection in mind. While I was getting some water, I heard MJ stumble and apologize profusely to Juno. My brain being where it was, I was terrified he had kicked him or something. But no, that level of alarm was just for scaring his kid, not hurting him. That's awesome. It got to be 2:30 and I pointed that out, but Julian said he'd just take the day off. At 3, he changed his mind and was suddenly scared he wouldn't make it to work. We might have fucked if it wasn't so late/early, but I set my alarm and crashed sans sleeping pill.
Julian came home just a little later than expected for his lunch break, but I still made his afternoon coffee before ducking back into my cave. I was surprised when he called for me a few minutes later. Other Julian was there with a friend and they needed to stay for a while. OJ said his friend just needed to get ready for work and he needed to wait for his sister to pick him up. Something about his new iPhone 12 having technical issues and Verizon being jerks. How or why a homeless person buys a new iPhone 12 is a complete mystery to me, but that's none of my business. I said it was fine for them to get ready and wait, I had a job to do and was trying to get that spreadsheet addressed. They both showered and then OJ said his friend was hungry and asked if he could borrow some eggs. I was very confused. I'm vegan - I don't have eggs. He ate a tortilla instead. OJ also asked if we were mad at him. No, we both just have a lot of plates spinning. They were both gone by the time my Julian got home. A few more packages arrived, including the vacuum! Or the item labeled as a vacuum when I bought it. It was a blue windbreaker. Told the company I'd be getting a refund, went looking for other quiet vacuums. I found one that looked good, but couldn't find the decibel rating. I called the seller and they didn't know either, but said they'd have a look and get back to me tomorrow. Also no word from W4less - they said they'd let me know when they got stock in, but I think they've told me that before. Julian made commission again - score! I'm so glad he's found a healthy professional relationship. He also asked why OJ tried to reset his password but I didn't pay them much attention. We had the Fox Den event tonight and Tim was going to bring Pupple. As the afternoon went on, though, both my uncertainty on what to do and the exhaustion caught up with me. I kept putting off getting ready until I finally told Julian and Tim that I wasn't going to make it. Event started at 6, it was almost 7 when I told them. I was still going to give them $20 for the night, just because I appreciate the events, but the anxiety over work was too heavy. Julian still wanted to go, and while I was down for him to go alone, he wanted me there. Promised we could leave early, but also tried to guilt trip me that he'd have to get fuel before work if I didn't go. I'm not really sure that went quite the way he was expecting, but I did eventually agree to go. There was enough fuel left that I still didn't have to put any in the car.
Even though we didn't get there until 7:30, we were still easily the first people there. But it was fine and so, so needed. The sunset was beautiful and the music...I grooved right there on the the sidewalk, though I didn't put on a full show. Tim ended up being the one not able to make it - he was stuck working and it was exhausting. Since we were only going to be there for a bit, Julian just brought a beer with him so he'd be neither donating nor pilfering, but when a few other folks showed up and talked about the fireworks at 9:45, he asked to stay. Initially he offered for me to go put fuel in the car and buy him beer, but I declined. He went himself and pointed to the benches so I could sit and relax my back. I still Shazamed music from the benches and went over and over and over everything for work in my head. When Julian got back, we met or re-met a gent named Michael, ran into a Chad, Andrew, Mike, et al, and saw Bryce, though I don't think we've ever been actually introduced. My pens ran out of juice, but just in time to keep Michael from taking a hit and risking his drug test in a few weeks. I'm a devoted enabler, but I do still try to avoid or reduce harm. It made it very awkward when he asked. His knowing, voluntary risk, but maybe he just needed me to be strong for him and tell him no? Julian said he should be fine if the test was in a couple weeks, so I relented. I was very tempted to leave early, but managed to stay there and up through the fireworks. The fireworks were admittedly pretty, and Julian and I video chatted with his mom, but Julian lamented the duration when it ended. He was expecting a much longer show.
I drove us home since I was sober and he'd been drinking, and I was going to go directly to bed. Figured I had a long day, long week, and this way I could ensure a medication surplus. He asked me to stay up a little longer with him, so I took my antidepressant and started going through some of the music I gathered at the Fox Den. It was honestly a somewhat terrific/ffying night. Everything that was going through my head about work, what it would mean for this timeline....it really fucked with me and I thought about calling a 5150 on myself. I talked myself back from the edge remembering Lady Miss Friday. Still my life raft., though that also got very frightening when I started thinking of ways I could still go. Julian advised me to put work out of my mind and it nudged me that I do have a life outside of work, that my life and theirs will continue. I decided to tell them. Even announced it, so it would be y'know...out there. Can't unring a bell. Also, I calculated a rough estimate out and while the OT for the discrepancies will be expensive, I'll still be making less than a staff attorney this year. ADI's a great place to work, just problematic for someone with Great Depression syndrome.
OJ and his friend came back close to midnight and My Julian, drunk and stoned though he was, went out to talk to them. I heard occasional words but I know myself well enough to stay away when mommy and daddy are fighting. When MJ came back inside he said OJ and friend were on meth. He'd asked why OJ tried to get into his account and OJ said he just got confused due to their names. MJ didn't believe him. MJ's email is chazwallzer, so it has nothing whatsoever do to with his name. MJ sent a final text and he said he'd call the cops if they came back. Ironically, he talked a lot about how frustrating it is to not be able to trust Julian since he lies so much. Throughout the night he apologized for it all, but since I'm a just girl who can't say no, it's really helpful to have someone who can set boundaries around. I think I might have been able to say no to OJ here as well, just given the crowd already in here, but better safe than sorry and MJ physically blocking the door would definitely qualify. I thanked him repeatedly, both to allay his insistent anxiety and with my idifficulty with showing affection in mind. While I was getting some water, I heard MJ stumble and apologize profusely to Juno. My brain being where it was, I was terrified he had kicked him or something. But no, that level of alarm was just for scaring his kid, not hurting him. That's awesome. It got to be 2:30 and I pointed that out, but Julian said he'd just take the day off. At 3, he changed his mind and was suddenly scared he wouldn't make it to work. We might have fucked if it wasn't so late/early, but I set my alarm and crashed sans sleeping pill.
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