Frigid Mines

Got up and did chores just fine, though it's kind of hard when Julian's kids get breakfast at 7, the same time I try to leave. I left just a few minutes late but got in just fine. From inside my office I heard JJD talking and did a double take on the day. Still Tuesday, he just brought in Biff or Buff or something cookies for Kathy & Carl. And Kathy happened to be in today, too! Sort of funny, since I "joked" that I was concerned JJD's presence meant I was there when I didn't have to be, but JJD wasn't really there, he just stopped by to drop off the cookies. A productive day, even though it felt strange to be (finally) completely on top of my work from start to finish. Literally just watching the eservice and claims queue for one of my digits to come in. I emailed Venmo and the place I got poppers from, entered mail and claims and case info contemporaneously, browsed some for a replacement burner/gaming/nonconnected phone. Didn't find one, and also couldn't find a replacement battery. It's fine. I brought a cookie home for Julian and was pleasantly surprised at the absence of traffic.

Julian was sweeping when I got home and filled me in on his day. Massive drama with Chuck, but not the kind that could get Julian in terrible. Chuck has MRSA, has been supposed to fix it, supposed to move out, etc, but he's still there and still high as a kite all the time. Julian had to call elder services, the cops, and the ER or something, but they wouldn't help Chuck because he was high. I don't really get that. Chuck's mom initially declined to help since he's spent so much time screaming at her and when she did come by, he slammed the door on her hand. Julian got Anna's number and communicated with her throughout the day but she went silent when he checked on the status of the apartment next door. He also cleaned up some, taking out the many beer cases and the trash bag of litter. When he finished his monologue I congratulated him and gave him the cookie. He'd been going to take Sam to lunch, but neither of them having access to a car persuaded them to reschedule. He was going to play pool with Terry and Sam later, but needed to get his eyes checked first. Something about the prescription being expired or something. Makes no nevermind to me. The rest of the Chewy stuff arrived, so I gave some meaty bites to Lady Miss Friday and spritzed some of the calming spray. The former was a much bigger hit than the latter, but maybe it'll just take time. After he left for his appointment, I did the dishes and cat boxes, swept, mopped, took the recycling out, and gave all the kids fresh water. I knew from observation they prefer fresh water and Jackson Galaxy confirmed it. Cats be different from dogs.

When Julian got home he told me he needs to see an neurologist specializing in optical nerves and lamented how much all of this was costing him. He used to say he had Medi Cal, but sometimes that he had Blue Shield, but none of that apparently paid for anything. He said it was through the State and claimed he wouldn't be eligible for insurance through his job for another 6 months. I've never heard of that, but he insisted it's just the way it is. We went back and forth a bit before I just showed him an article for new hire insurance. He lamented his drained bank account, I brought up a budget. He's making just about as much as me and his contribution to the household thus far has been $600. Awesome, but if $600 bankrupted him on my salary, his spending has clearly been following his mum's footsteps. A flurry of excuses followed, all about how much he's had to spend to get on his feet. Sure, his eyes, health, etc need attention, but there's an order of operations there. It makes no sense to rush to get non-emergency medical help while putting off getting insurance. I'm happy to help, of course, but I'm not psychic. And him lying about all of this just obfuscates any assistance I could give. He then tried to deflect and say our groceries put him in the red. He's never bought groceries for us, and pointing that out set him off more. He launched into an extended tirade about how I'm constantly criticizing and attacking him for not contributing, and how even the things he has done for himself, I tell him better ways to do it. I'll certainly grant that I tell him things like he should have insurance before seeing a doctor, and I know Virgos are famously critical but I never, ever said anything about him not contributing. The $600 was just because he was mad at my night job, and just pointing out that groceries have not figured into his budget is not an attack. It's just a fact. I couldn't tell if he was ranting to keep me from talking, to vent, or both. My face said a lot, apparently, and all of it smug. Thinking back, it was probably that anticipatorily triumphant look I got from my dad. Related to it, I think, because I don't think my dad ever got to my level of condescension, and I don't think he ever had fangs, just martial arts.

I laid with Lady Miss Friday while he was gone, he came back a little after I fed the kids. He apologized, we talked about the intersections of our various traumas. I finally got him to see and discuss his obsession with avoiding fault. His folks apparently demanded a lot of him, especially with regards to his kids, but provided no support to achieve these goals and excoriated him for failing. Odd though it might seem, we've got Tiger Parents in our heads, constantly demanding more, harder, better, faster, stronger. I think I recognize that, if only because I have at least a vague sense of whose voice is screaming at me at any given time. Another thing that came up was that I'm not very demonstrative. Neither of us really understand what that even means, but I very clumsily explained how I understand it and he fully agreed with said clumsy explanation. I'm just not very affectionate. That was sort of shocking to hear but I guess I can't disagree. Except animals, of course. I imagine that last bit is fairly common for folks like me. And due to both the sheer amount of stuff we have that still needs doing and that lack of affection, he feels like a houseguest instead of my husband. I tried to gently mention this past weekend, when he spent all his free time drinking far too much and carousing with the neighbors, but he took over and said he spends too much time and effort on them. I don't know if the earlier tirade could really be called a fight, since all I managed to say was "get the fuck out" when he came back to shout at me more, but the resolution was healthy. I think once we get our financial disclosures and the post nup done, I should be able to relax and more fully treat him as a partner instead of someone I'm taking care of. It was his mom's birthday tomorrow and he asked and went looking for fancy, expensive stuff he could send her. I don't really know his mom, but I brought up that relatively recent epiphany that "It's the thought that counts" is not just a platitude, it's true. Almost anyone would rather have a heartfelt note on macaroni art than a (nonrefundable) Tiffany's necklace costing hundreds of thousands. He has a competition with his dad for who can spend/impress the most, but also his mom likes the attention but hates the reminder she's getting older. He at least went looking for flowers that would be specifically appreciated, landed on some smiley face flowers and Godiva chocolates. I found some cat measuring spoons and he asked me to buy those for her, too, since a present from her son-in-law would mean a lot. I'm vehemently against giving money to Jeff Bezos and almost all of the places selling them led to Amazon or their Marketplace. I finally found a set on Mercari and bought that. We stayed up too late holding hands, listening to music, and chatting. It just felt like we needed a moment to connect again. Not that it could have hit us any more on the head.