Managing Forces

In spite of multiple nights with very little sleep, Julian got up with his alarm. Impressive. I wasn't sure if I would wake up since I took my Seroquel so late/early, but I still managed to get the morning chores done and see him off to work. Stayed up another couple hours in bed with Lady Miss Friday before crashing again. Woke up when Julian came home for lunch, made his coffee and reminded him to text those therapists. I remembered to shop for cat stuff but really just focused on various calming items. Maybe next time I'll get ear drops for them. I also forgot to get a trash can for the litter and a container for her food but these are not urgent items. Maybe I'll swing by a thrift store tomorrow to look. I thought about buying more carts but gave it another day. There's no rush. I'm less focused on getting high these days, which I'm sure would delight Candace, et al. I do still like having something to take the edge off, but I feel like I can maybe do that with almost anything, or even just meditate or something. Julian ordered glasses - he very firmly declined Lasik even though it might have been cheaper. Scared of his eyes burning out or something. Before he left we talked more and he brought up how much I do for his kids. I don't really do much for them, and I explained my thoughts that instead of having assigned responsibilities, we have stuff that we need to do, so as long as we both do stuff that suits us, it'll all even out in the wash. He was worried that I'd hold it over him, and I mentioned how he always focuses in on the idea that I'll hurt him. He's scared I'll use Bobbay to go out and fuck everyone, scared I'll become usurious since I'll be ahead on the Scoreboard. I don't think Julian really keeps a full Scoreboard, but he definitely has my paralyzing phobia of vulnerability and accompanying dependence on control. He agreed to read The Ethical Slut if I buy a physical copy for him and asked me to text one of the referrals Candace made on his phone. I kind of love when I see sitcom or sketchable tropes in our lives, and him Peneleoping that he can't ask for help to the point he has to ask for help to ask for help struck me as funny. Tim was supposed to come by for his ballot, but again, there's no rush. I also took care of Julian's voter registration, though he'll have to use a provisional ballot for the recall election. Some fascinating candidates, including a few Lefties and Angelyne the Billboard Queen among the nest of Qrazies and Trumpets. How funny would it be if they succeeded in the recall but put in a Berniecrat or Socialist?

Julian was on the phone with his mom when he got home, so I stayed in with LMF. They talked for longer than I'd have thought, though I didn't catch much of the conversation. I felt a vague guilt in the back of my head that I didn't have plans for us, but he went out to play pool with Terry and a friend, so problem solved. Terry asked him if I wanted to go, but of course that's a hard no. I maybe should not have told Julian about my prescription, because he told Terry about it while they were drinking. This is my antidepressant, folk who want the stuff (strictly) recreationally can get their own. Plus that whole...illegal thing. Not that it's had much influence on my choices previously. Terry also told him we'd had complaints about noise last night, but I don't put much stock in Terry's reports. He previously said my leaving food and water outside was going to get me kicked, and there was that whole thing last week where he repeated ad nauseum that Julian wouldn't get the place next door before flipping and saying he would. And the phone call I when he told Anna about Kevin - she kept having to ask him what he even wanted her to do and remind him she's the owner, not our collective mother. I'm not sure about the politics of this place, but I hope that if I move, I move on up. With lots and lots of catnip and sedatives for LMF. They stayed in the courtyard drinking and chatting when they got back from pool, and Sam joined them. Julian came inside later to check on me and told me Dorota had complained about their noise, even though it was only 9ish. Terry's contact with Anna came in handy because he called her and she sided with them. Great, though I'd still rather we avoid complaints altogether. Terry and Sam came to get him and re-share that same story with him, and Sam stayed talking to me when they left. He expressed sympathy over my back, and talked about religions I should look into that are similar to Symbism. Jainism, of course, and the related religions. I don't know why, but I previously had apprehensions about it not being completely unique, as though there aren't a thousand denominations of the major world religions. He was supposed to message me some questions to ask myself about Symbism the last time we talked, and he promised to send them soon. I don't remember what they were supposed to be or do, but I never mind talking, even to myself. He then started talking about the kids and how I should train Lady Miss Friday to just use the toilet as a litter box. And then about a band called Keiino and their history and goals and lineage and performances and then played a full song on his phone. That latter part I can understand but even I don't demand folks listen to an entire song in silence.

I went back to Lady Miss Friday and Julian came back in around 11:45. He was pretty squeaked and complained about me spending too much time in Lady Miss Friday's room. I can't really talk to him when he's drunk, so I just placated that I'd try to spend more time out there. To my delighted surprise, he corrected himself that I do make an effort and we spend quite a bit of time together, he just needs it to be more quality time to allay his insecurities. Although I'd turned off the lights, he maintained that he wanted to stay up and keep the party going. I did, but took my Seroquel anyway. Really didn't expect the party to go all night and figured I'd get that fuzz while I waited for it to kick in. Although I might as well have been a cardboard cutout, it was a decent night for what it was. He wanted to start with I Remember but couldn't wrangle the remote or Deadmau5' name. I played it from my phone, though I think I'll have to get a new fun phone soon - the battery is getting a bit wonky. Maybe I could just replace the battery, though I imagine a similar used phone wouldn't cost much either. The video he loves for I Remember seems to be a rear-view floating through an icebound forest. It reminded him of a city in Europe and me of cross-country skiing. Maybe related to previously mentioned insecurities, he kept asking if I was mad about him going out earlier. I explained that even though we're married, it's healthy, essential, even, that we still have individual hobbies and activities because we are still individuals. Then he told me I was mad. I thought I finally explained that I wasn't and thanked him for finally believing me...but he interrupted to tell me he didn't believe me. I gave him leg rubs again and this time he fell asleep on the couch. I thought about putting him to bed, but Juno and Kujo were both on top of him so I just covered him with the blanket and put his bed down if he wanted to move there later.