Seed Dormancy

Julian and I both woke up early, his was just a bit more frantic because he couldn't find his wallet. I helped him look, but had to go for my video Dr. appointment. He still summoned me again and I still came back, but not much I could do. I did see Flora curled up in her ball, though she moved. No idea what to do for her. Back to the appointment, everything's ducky with the doc, he's also happy I dropped booze, and all my labs are fine. Go me! Terry texted me about Julian's wallet. I guess he went over there and tore through looking for it. Terry said it was found in my car. Terry also said it was too much drama for him and he was going to take some time apart to focus on school and work. Perfect! Julian noted that it was his phone he found, his wallet's still missing. I requested the day off from work tomorrow, but spoke up & wrong a couple times. JJD said he'd take my place in the physical office and then I figured out that with him there I didn't need to request the whole day off, I just need a bit of time around lunch. I also spoke brashly that I'd have all the work for my digits done by the end of the day. Hyper mode engaged, but I did it. Fucking yay me!

My session with Candace was fascinating. I'd completely forgotten about Julian talking at length the other night about how incredibly distraught he was to find Merryweather dead. An unusual amount of empathy from a man with an extremely self-oriented universe view. Maybe he's changing. She suspects Julian's punishments were draconian as a child so he developed a habit of lying. Deflecting too, of course, but that's sort of an LIO. So I add that to my parenting research. But that combined with my trust issues and we're a match made in he...somewhere. It doesn't really help me convince myself we're on the same team, either, and I struggle with that. Sometimes that's competitive, sometimes that starts to feel parental and/or distant. Like I still want the best for him, but I think of him as an individual just like anyone else I've worked for. Instead of my husband, part of the Fager-Rosses. Currently, as Candace said, if I have a true fear of intimacy and I never want to be close? No more calls, we have a winner. And while I'm struggling with the idea that I sacrificed my mice to save Julian & his kids, if anything happened to Lady Miss Friday, I'd divorce him. Amongst other drastic actions. Also, my even thinking that I sacrificed The Girls for Julian is both Dad's hindsight & my inclination to stab myself. Metaphorically. I had no idea that's what it would mean when I married him, not that I couldn't have estimated and planned better. She was very proud of me for giving Julian advice on the relative effort to live in San Diego vs Fort Smith, and very proud of Julian for the steps he'd taken thus far. But related to the Journey to the Center of Julian's Universe, he's only shown a desire to be trusted, to be shown vulnerability for him & his ego. Not any desire to actually assist with anything. It's kind of related to Kenric asking for rent while I had a migraine years back, or even Charlie asking for that new video while my cat is miserable and my mice are all dead. There's no sense of appreciation for whatever it is they're asking for, they just need it checked off. Read the fucking room, y'all. Being friends or lovers with people without empathy is a no-go. I'm still struggling with the existence of those people. I don't understand it. Baby steps. Doesn't help that I apparently take empathy to my usual extremes.

I checked my credit card for various disputed charges, cancelled preorders, etc, and saw that Julian's phone was charged to my card again. Something I could let slide another, more fiscally solvent time, but not now. I told Julian and he said he'd call them. I worked really hard to be completely up to date on my journal and spend time with Lady Miss Friday all day so I could hang out in the living room with Julian after. I'd heard some rumblings about him feeling neglected since I spend all my time in Lady Miss Friday's room, even though most of that is due to work. Julian started drinking immediately on getting home, went to go see Terry. Well, that was brief. On both counts. When he came back, he suggested watching Netflix together, but then his mom called so he went out to talk to her. I saw Flora laying flat between her water and exercise wheel, and when I looked at her, she wasn't moving. Call it denial or paranoia, but I didn't want to act prematurely if she were just in a deep sleep. I know. I went back to work on any number of side projects, but decided I hadn't heard from my mom in a while so I gave her a ring. She video answered, driving Mike home from the hospital. Didn't catch what he'd had done, but he seemed pretty out of it. I let her know The Girls died, she let me know she's about to put one of her kids down. Can't walk anymore. She explained her fixation on Jared's latest assault case; she wants to add the documentation to her will, just so that if he contests it, she's prepared. I'm all atwitter I love it so much. It turns out it's not necessary, since he's technically a stepchild. But it's sweet that she thought of it. I asked about my bat necklace; not only do I love it and it'll serve as the physical item for me to channel my mom's memory someday, I'm growing my hair back to that style I had in high school and the bat necklace was part of my paraphernalia at the time. She also found Nimby, and I told her I'd searched for it, found you can make decent money on it, and encouraged her to sell it. She declined the sale and insisted on sending it to me. It was sweet.

Julian returned so I left off with my mom. He went to pour another shot and knocked over his Julian shotglass. Surely that's too obvious to mean anything. But I did talk to him about not drinking. By all means, we can work on ways to moderate, but he does need to actually use them. Figure out where his Fun Drunk is and just keep tabs. Easy peasy. He asked me to sleep with him...whenever he finished hanging out with Terry. Not that there was any chance I was going to leave Lady Miss Friday, but that was a definite decline.