Glow in the Dark

Up around 1, but even a half pill didn't do anything. I've really got to double-check my medication. I could swear I was supposed to start a different sleeping medication at some point. Back to coffee, then. Tim left his on the counter, so I finished that and the rest of the pot I'd made for him yesterday. Even though that whole pot coffee was my usual before I took a tolerance break and then cut back, that was plenty. I set up my Zoom meeting for Candace, sent the invite, and tucked into work. Howard was having VPN issues, and I hesitated but sent the email that I can do almost everything from home-home. Allpages and getting items from the M: Drive, such as scan mail, would be the only stumbles. Kathy half-joked that she wasn't sure she wanted to know how I'd get my eservice, but I can (and have) just gone through the eservice email and taken out my stuff when I couldn't get to the Eservice folder on the work computer. Easy-peasy. Julian had an online interview for a company in the morning, got all cleaned up, but it turned out to be a pre-recorded sales pitch to get people to sign up as commission-only life insurance salesmen. He was understandably upset and frustrated at constantly reaching and constantly not getting there. In the brief period we chatted, there was no mention or echo of last night's storm. Uh...okay? I worked through lunch, since I got the waiver, and got to the dental office just fine. I brought my mask, just in case, and good thing. Not that I mind everything being work from home, obviously, it's just a bit of a chore sometimes. Wait outside, checklist form, they check your temp & blood pressure, wait in the completely bare actual waiting room, arrows on the floors, etc. It's fine, it's just increasingly not needed anymore. Kind of like Condom-Only gents these days. Condoms are far more of a headache than a pill. I have one tooth that might, but probably won't, need a root canal, but otherwise, I should be able to finish all the dental work we uncovered the need for back in...2018? 2019? Unfortunately, I screwed myself over by working through lunch, because I got back early. I suppose there was really no way around it. If I hadn't, I guess I could have gotten there at 12:45 in the hopes they could see me early, but that would have been unlikely. They're swamped. Everyone and everything is different there. The place has been remodeled and the only people I recognized were the receptionists. I was so excited to see everyone now that I'm not busting up my face every week! On the plus side, their new dental assistant, Jared, might help redeem that name in my book. Like most people, he seemed somewhat perplexed by me, but I think I caught some intrigue at the end, and I think I won him over. And in a stellar anxiety-managing moment, I thought about fucking him, having a really great connection...and then I remembered Julian. I'm married. But then I brushed it away. So fucking what? Yeah, Julian absolutely has and will have a lot of anxiety about all of this. But the sooner we get it out of the way, the sooner we can show his anxiety the door. And speaking of, Drew & Steve texted me! Perfect timing, especially since my ad just went back up. They talked about hiring me again, I let them know I'm married and either or both of us would be down. I even offered to come over early so we could just chat and catch up. Julian seemed vaguely bothered by something, and I wondered to myself if he was remembering uncomfortable things from last night. He didn't say anything, so okay. I let him know I'd be in the other room, so whenever he did want to talk, just give a holler. Taka came to the door, and then asked to talk to me. His willful helplessness was wearing on them. They're two people living in a very small apartment with 3 cats and 3 dogs, bending over backwards to help get him on his feet, and he's not only ungrateful, he's actively working to fail. And he's a jerk about it. I explained about his history and said I'd talk to him.

My session with Candace went well. She was a few minutes late, but I've never minded being on camera. If I must perform solo, so be it. *dramatic pose* She joked about having a lawyer taping her sessions, and about sound-edited versions. She asked what it is I'm trying to escape from by using. It occurred to me my GHB addiction strongly resembled what I'm told a meth addiction resembles. Wouldn't that be funny, if meth worked for me like Adderall does for ADHD folks. I'm not going to try it, don't worry. It had actually been so long I forgot why I was using. I've numbed from a lot of things. My constant thrashing for being such a failure at everything, that terrifying fear that I'm going to continue to fail at everything, and even my own life, because some part of me could see the car crash happening, even before addiction. A ticking time bomb. I just couldn't hear that part of me. She thought it might be memories, but I don't have those. I talked about offering to quit drinking with Julian, but then decided to swap it and just reduce my booze 99.9%. I don't want to be sober. I don't want to say I relapsed if I have a drink. Or 12. I'm just not going to right now. Maybe a cheers for some special occasion, but for now...I'm good. I spoke about my eternal frustration with the overwhelming, omnipresent pain in the universe, and I'm supposed to read what I can on The Green Mile. Easy enough. I have Wikipedia. And she mentioned that when I'm an addict, I'm contributing to the suffering in the world. Damn. But she's right. In addition to how much more I could do for others if I don't fuck up again, there is that whole MASSIVE slap in the face to everyone who had to give so much to keep me alive last time.

When I returned, Julian was also ready to talk. I gave myself a moment before I did, because I wanted to be responsible about this. He explained again about his frustration and feelings of helplessness, but said he understood the troubling patterns we're seeing. I think I did a pretty good job balancing the concern and diplomacy. He was on board for Drew & Steve, but freaked out when I mentioned they offer Bimix for anyone who wants it. That's common, and actually one of the reasons I brought it up. I'd rather him freak out now and get over it than freak out there. Or not, and just not go. Also fine. Then he started stumbling into tantrum territory. Said maybe he wasn't sure if he wanted me doing it. Maybe not even escorting at all, now that I'd paid for my ad. I very diplomatically pointed out it wasn't his choice. He has no power here. But I did offer to talk to him about it, go through his concerns. Even if it ends up being just a cameo back to the escort scene, I kind of need this to repair my thoughts on escorting.

DM Justin had sent me a ton of repeated messages last night. They couldn't mute me when I left and argued with Julian in the living room, so they heard it all. Probably a little faster than they'd have cared to get to know me. I let him know everything was probably fine, or at least on its way there. He believes in us.

One of my friends had posted on my page looking for help for CutCocks that he could maybe just get to Lebanon, and then apply for Asylum. He said it would likely take at least a year for any of the rescue organizations to get to him on their list - he belongs to a Private FB for Syrian Gays and some of them have been waiting years. I said I'd help him out once our funds were figured out, and then thought of making a fundraiser for him in the meantime. Tim called and convinced me to hold off until the rescue organizations could weigh in. Fair enough. Julian was going to sleep in Lady Miss Friday's bed with me, but she jumped up on the bed as soon as I got up from the computer. Maybe next time. Instead, I spent some time with Lady Miss Friday, but eventually joined Julian anyway. Not that I could sleep - despite the reduced and early coffee, sleep was hard to find. I'd thought about fucking, but in addition to the effort needed to get ready, it just didn't feel like the right time. Would have felt too much like pretending nothing happened.