Really Awkward for Me

Alcohol was inching back towards the frontlines. And while booze is a berserker, that also means there's friendly fire. I felt it last week when I was behind on my journal, when I couldn't quite get caught up, but I also drank a lot. More than that, I think that while alcohol is quick to volunteer and industrious, it pretty easily eclipses everything else in my arsenal, so I've gotta be warier with it. I'd thought about heading down to feed the ducks, but that usual wanting to not interfere with Tim's day if he was working denied it. I felt like I had something to do today, but couldn't remember what. I happened to see my Herb-e 7 and got to thinking about the box. My vape arrived separately from the coil, so I thought that *was* my coil and they'd just forgotten the extra. But thinking about my Puffco, I remembered that the box had sections, so I opened up the Herb-e 7 box and sure enough, there was a bonus coil. Of all the things, then I couldn't find the mouthpiece. I can't even remember where I did find it, just that it was completely random. I spent time on The Quest and got my journal tidied. I started browsing for CBD oil for Lady Miss Friday, but I wanted to do a bit more research since the market is so flooded with situational variances. Depending on the context, "hemp oil" could easily be CBD oil, hemp seed oil (basically cooking oil), or full or partial-spectrum hemp oil. I also started browsing for weed. I found myself indecisive and caught up trying to figure out even which concentrates to smoke. Sugar is the highest THC, but there's apparently something about an entourage effect where the non-THC parts of weed cooperate with it and make the sum greater than the parts. There were no sales, so no big deal. I was low, not out. I also checked back in at Amazon and I was allowed to post my review of the sex toy, it'll just take a few days. It was honestly a joy to wax poetic on a sex toy review. Unfortunately, I didn't save it before submitting it, figuring I'd see it soon enough.

Despite not having actually accomplished anything, I felt fine with my day so far, so when I saw Julian's private dancer number calling, I went ahead and answered. There was a little bit of making his boredom my responsibility, but then it shifted to the much more manageable and healthy desire for presence. Can't relate. But I can at least help. He suggested I go get more vodka, but I needed to not. I'd have just bought a bunch of other random stuff, dove in, and passed out. Instead, while he chattered I mostly played video games on my phone. I was pretty thrilled to realize the other day that just because my focus has shifted from console to PC to mobile, I am absolutely still a gaymer. He mentioned that his mom scheduled a hair appointment the day before his flight but like...and? Okay, she can't drive, needs him to take her. But he has to pack! But like...and? In coming up with reasons why having to drive her to her hair appointment the day before was super hard for him, he said he might get hit by an Asian. I pointed out that's racist. A very, very heated argument ensued over whether or not describing Latinxs as fat and Asians as bad drivers is racist. It was the most awkward, unfortunate conflict we'd ever had, including the times I got hit. Waking up and getting up has never been easy. Thanks, Elastica.

I ended the phone call, got caught up reading Order of the Stick, and tried to get back to that Gnumb Space sans booze. Lots of weed, lots of porn. I definitely need something(s) else. I just want out of my head! Can you take me higher? Yes, sure, that's Creed McJowls, but I'm using a Christian band's lyrics for drugs. Though now that I re-skim, they seem to be about faith in general, so could be repurposed for almost anything. Just saying.

I did alright. I still felt that need to be working towards a project but didn't stay up too late - Lady Miss Friday told me it was bedtime around 11 and I only briefly thought about a pot of coffee or cocaine. I might've chafed a bit, but when I felt like my own psyche might betray me, I decided to cum. I huffed lots of poppers, thought about Justin, who loves poppers and is the reason I bought this batch. When you're edging, you want to cum, even if you don't, so figure out before you start whether this session is going to be the Big Finish. And I have control issues everywhere. Arousal, absurd as it is to so to say, is my Moby Dick. I just want to be a machine. It's a big part of the reason I love Trimix so much. I know my butt's going to work, I just need my dick to work so I can clock out. I'm aware that's not healthy.