Juliandavision

I woke up super early, and even another pill couldn't get me back to sleep. I don't have any really important things on Mondays, so I just chugged a mug of coffee in the morning. One of these days, I might stop buying coffee for anyone but guests and just use caffeine pills when I need them. I also moved the couch again, and this time just went for a dance exercise class. I also might browse for existing choreography that a) would give me a workout and b) I could do in my living room.

Candace texted me an hour early - I guess she's in Florida for the next few weeks, so has to adjust for the time difference. I was really excited about it, about all my successes, but therapy is for working on my trash, not celebrating the steps I've made. I brought up Julian's visit, and my fears about Lady Miss Friday and his treating the trip as indicative of a relationship. We talked about how I've already set some guidelines, but I should also be clear about sexual ones. I think I'd prefer if we played house while he's here, but I keep swapping on whether I'd be jealous if he went literally fucking around while I work every day. I'm at least certain how I feel about him for now. I had been doubting whether I was open to getting back together (and I'm still wondering what I would even want "boyfriend" to mean), but I couldn't decide if that was because I wanted him as a boyfriend or actively didn't want him as a boyfriend. So I guess I'm open to getting back together. I also talked about my mom's Qonspiracy theories, and what to do about it, given that it's a reflection of her experience with Dad. Be blunt about her literally parroting him, and be kind, considerate, and assertive when I'm debunking things. Use charisma and diplomacy. She said the bout of depression nearly breaking through my meds was probably because of Maus. I've made a career out of blocking things out. It is not surprising that it would take a few days to hit me. For that dangerous overconfidence, I just needed to remember the car accidents, the ones that did happen and the ones that should have. There's a jealousy of people who are able to use drugs in moderation. And she said using to excess is a habit, if a very firm one.

I was happy with my diet for the day, but it complicated things when the electrical outlet for the microwave died. I double-checked to make sure the microwave itself hadn't died, but it was the outlet. And then because I hate disturbing people, just let the manager know that if it didn't come back by tomorrow, could someone look at it. Sam asked to come by later to talk about a proposition he wants to submit to the city, but I was not in any condition to keep boundaries from blurring.I managed to get the Youtube tracks I've recently found that are unpurchasable downloaded, and I'll convert them later. Julian called, asked me for help, but then had a problem for every solution and got mad at me for not succeeding to the point of convincing him. Look, I'm a master of internalization, but that's gaslighting.