Analysis as Key

I had another very productive morning, though Kathy emailed me asking if I needed to request time off on the 10th. I checked my journal, texts, and Messenger history, but didn't see anything that would have indicated an absence. There was a little tap dancing, because I asked what prompted the query. It was just an absence of CMS entries around that time. As Big Brother as that is, she eventually decided I didn't need to use vacation time. Maybe it was a warning shot? I have found that when I break away from FB that I'm much more productive. But like....I get that I'm paid hourly, but I'm paid to do a job. Why would they be concerned that I'm working too fast?

I keep having anxiety about my therapy sessions and edging closer to cancelling them. It's not so much that I'm scared of her announcing I'm perfectly fine and all of this has just been because I'm horrible and I'm only even going to therapy as an excuse and/or for attention. I'm scared of that terrible awkward silence just before she says that when I can't think of anything to talk about. I'm scared I'm just pretending to be fucked up. It doesn't make any sense now, but I'm certain this relates to not grieving over my great-grandparents. Instead, Candace and I talked some about the Scoreboard. Like so much of my psyche, it's based on my monstrous phobia of vulnerability. As long as I'm giving more, they can't hold it over me. I only thought of Jared's petulant quest to get my parents to hate me and love him, but I think my mom's obsession with finding my secrets (and her capricious reactions upon finding them) fits there too.

Tim had recommended I message his friend Brian. Brian is great, runs a nonprofit to rescue and adopt stray dogs. Does a lot south of the border, managed to get Pupple's teeth fixed for about $80 instead of several hundred or thousand or something. I'd already sent him a Friend Request when I saw he was doing adoption events, but he never responded. Today I just said I was Tim's friend and a fan. He said thanks. I don't really know how to bring up my religion to him, but now that I think of it..the fuck am I worried about? He's doing great work, but he's not a gatekeeper. I started a draft of the FB page for Symbism. Decided on a symbol, wrote again about the central tenet - compassion is the literal meaning of life, and thought again about whether I wanted to approach this as a religion or a philosophy. Unfortunately, I got into my head about it. Thought I needed to write a manifesto or something but like...it's pretty simple. Also, I couldn't decide on a Cover Photo.

Patrick let me know Daft Punk broke up. I felt like I should have posted "Aerodynamic" to the Music Group...but then I thought for sure there must be other tracks I loved more, and then I didn't want to take up my Daily Post to the Music Group with "Aerodynamic," and then...I didn't end up posting. I did try to connect with him, though. I feel like Lady Miss Friday-less people might well be suffering from social withdrawal. A visit would have been best, then Zoom, etc., but I feel like only having theoretical contact is damaging. It didn't get us very far, but it did get me to realize I'm apparently *very* into the folk music genre. I'm a little slow. And somewhere in my head Folk Music = Do-Re-Mi from Sound of Music. For all that I don't think I did "enough" to connect with Patrick, I think that might just be me punching myself.

Colleen sent a text that she sabotaged the rat traps her dad put out. And she supports my proposed campaign to outlaw glue traps. We have a lot in common. We could say it was nature, but my mom also imparted this. We could say it's nurture, but since Colleen shares it...happy coincidence, possibly indicating a trend in human nature towards compassion is fine for now. Also the Ancestry kit I bought for her arrived. It's so bizarre that I'm more relaxed about spending money these days when I was financially much stronger.