20,000 Underneath the Sea

I woke in the middle of the night and had enough time that I took a pill and figured I'd still be up in time. While I waited for it to kick in, I saw a message from Colleen, noting she'd had drama and would soon be moving. I dug deeper, but she shied away. She supports the new religion, and that always gives me a little boost. In the morning, I got a Marco Polo message from Christina declining the board member position but wanting to support it otherwise, either financially or industrially. I'd forgotten to tell her about the basic financial function of the church, where we'll cover vet & food bills and the like for people wanting a rescue. Just had to make sure that hypothetical dystopia where no one donates for others, they all just use it to make their own vet bills tax-deductible wasn't actually a potential hindrance. I'm still not even sure how or if the church will make money, but I've spent more on less beneficial hobbies.

My session with Candace was heavy AF. One of the first things she said was that I never say that I want to change. It feels arrogant and narcissistic to say I deserve to not want to scrub my skin off with a steel brillo pad after I cum for not being good enough/a machine. But I can analyze it, get to know it, make it a little less powerful. Some of it's actually about sleepovers. I think I've talked about it before, come to think of it (insert hyperbolic recollection joke), but while I loved sleepovers as a child, I hated the morning after. That sort of awkward reminiscing. "Man, last night sure was great! Yep. Good old last night. So good. So old. Very old. The time when things were good. Which is not now. And therefore the times now are not good." No problem at all saying "sad it's over but glad it happened." But I'd been letting "sad it's over" completely eclipse "glad." She reiterated that I have BIG "Molested" energy, as the kids would say(?). Apparently molested children often internalize the abuse. "They're a good person. They wouldn't do this to me unless I deserved it. Therefore I deserve it." Not to brag, but I'm not sure if my Eagle Eye for my failings is common there, too, or if that's a peripheral bonus from my dad. Anyway, because we convince ourselves we're worse than worthless, we become almost desperate to make others happy and please them. Just a girl who can't say no. I should note that of course there are absolutely other factors that could cause these things, it's just one more block on my Molested Bingo. We briefly talked about my mom coming downstairs and opening my door when I was 13 to tell me it was good that I was practicing my clarinet because I really needed the practice. *REALLY* Really. Unfortunately, I missed her response.

I managed to stay focused the whole day. Inch by inch, I'm getting back completely on top of things. On my lunch break, I finally hopped over to Chase to cash the economic stimulus card, and was stonermazed at the cash counting machine that can tell them apart and sort them. Sean called again in the afternoon, but just wanted to pay me back some. I drove to him, since fuck walking, and he asked to use my bathroom. Gave me $180 cash, stayed outside to smoke for a bit first using the bathroom. I guess he didn't need it that bad? When he did come in, I closed the door so Lady Miss Friday didn't have to deal with strangers in her apartment. He was here for kind of a long time, and I'm not really sure what happened there or is going on with him. But yay getting partially paid back.

Naturally, I hopped on to Potmatess to see what kind of dabbable deals they had. The best was for some company called Vader. They only sold crumble, but their deal was $20 cheaper than the other concentrate deal. Alpine was out of a lot of carts, which is actually great in the long run because they're fucking awesome and I want the best for them. I think True OG has taken my #1 slot from Northern Lights, but I like switch-hitting. Just there, not on the sexuality spectrum. I got a lot, but unfortunately didn't have much luck dabbing. Figuring out how much to pack, how long to hit, how many hits each dab gives, etc. confused me, and when I did manage a hit, I thought I might find a lung on the bed next to me when I got done coughing.

Tim called me while I was still waiting for my order because his marina had given him 30-day notice. I guess his usual juggling of funds when it came to paying rent had taken a tumble when he broke his leg. I offered to just act as a middle man, so I'd pay it upfront then he'd pay me as the money came in that month. I'm aware as I write it now it would have been a recipe for disaster.

We talked some about my religion and I found the gatekeeping shoe drop I was waiting for. He feels it's more of a spiritual philosophy than a religion. Aren't religions spiritual philosophies though? And on the funding idea, said again that he thought HSUS did that. I thought I'd looked that up before, but couldn't remember for sure. They don't, for future reference. After the interrogation, he volunteered to help. I'll take it. I've got so much more planning to do before then. And lots and lots of work. Lots.

Lady Miss Friday was meowing strangely and licking her lips repeatedly, and just as I looked up that it meant nausea and dehydration, she vomited a waterfall onto the rug. Cleaned that up as best I could, and she kept drinking water and eating but seemed to keep it down better this time.