Barney Schreiber, CPA

I dunno if it's just my meds being inadequate or the weather, but I woke up before dawn again, all twisted in the blankets. I was just groggily next to Lady Miss Friday until I finally logged in for work. My turn for NOAs, but none of them were my digit, and I'm developing a system for managing them so I make less errors. Zipped out on my lunch break for Splenda, picked up a few other things, including swapping Lady Miss Friday's food back to the seafood flavor she prefers. She's the same size she was before my addiction, she might as well be happy.

I had my Quarterly meeting with Lynelle, and it was....interesting. AFAIK, my co-workers don't officially know everything that happened with me last year, but they know. Lynelle was worried, given my trip to the ER and couple days absences, that I'd relapsed. She never said those words, but as someone used to reading between the lines, it came through very clearly. But she also said 1) she was never worried about my work, though it did cause alarm to even see my digits come up on her safety net report with everyone else's, and it reminded me that at the height (or depth) of my addiction, walking into work with a beat-the-fuck-up face and knocked out teeth, my work never suffered. And 2) everyone at ADI cares very deeply about me. Sure, as a stellar worker, but also as a person. I've said it before, but for all that I scream about not being a real lawyer, I am *incredibly* fortunate to have washed ashore at ADI.

Terry called me near the end of work, wanting the rest of the K. I thought I'd given him all of it on Saturday, but I found it on my desk during my video meeting. He was going out to the mountains with Takka and friends, and wanted to get everyone fucked up. He wanted to buy the remainder from me, and though I declined money, I did ask for his help finding a new drug. He has multiple chemistry and science degrees, and even offered to show me how to make my own G. I'm done with G, and told him so, but if I could just find something like weed, but about 100x stronger, I'd be very happy. He was concerned about my mixing booze with things, but except for a couple times to make my G stronger (I'm aware how stupid this was), I largely gave up booze when I was using. He also gave me a shot of testosterone, as he looked it up and it wouldn't have negative interactions with my current meds.

Tim called me shortly after I took my meds. Yes, I'm old. He asked about my session with Candace, and since he's always been my ...how do I even phrase this? Backup therapist? Assistant therapist? Whatever role he plays, he certainly lived up to it. I have a really hard time between acknowledging I have issues and treating them. At a minimum, he noted that my need for my partners to be sexually interested in me is more extreme by far than anyone else he'd ever met, much less dated. Since this has been such a year, I'd actually forgotten completely that sexual attraction/fucking was my main/only form of validation for many years. We talked some about my terrifying fear of even having needs, of letting anyone do absolutely anything for me....apparently I wouldn't let Pupple lick me for a long time. In terms of anyone's hierarchy of needs, I always put myself very very very last. Chip mentioned, after I thanked him for something, that I don't tend to be very demonstrative. Tim noted I have a hard time with overt emotion. We talked some about doing things for people. I get that it's not healthy to keep the ledger I do in my brain, but I maintain that I don't whip out the ledger as long as I'm giving more....we talked some about our own ledgers. I'm livid over the last year, and that I needed Tim to stay patient and save me, but it's "okay" because I helped him so much over the past 5 years. This is my papa, but it's so much more subtle than his other influences.