Squeak, You've Got To Get Over This, and Lady Gaga

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Thursday, March 12 – Had a hard time, though not a ridiculously hard time, waking up to take Cisco out. Did that, then moved my car, anticipating Ken's need for such. He was in his car when I got back from that, but waited to say good-bye. Awww.... I thought about going to school, to try to be productive, but I was in desperate need of a hair cut and shave, so I stayed home. I ate a can of Great Northern Beans for breakfast, which isn't horrible. Then I ate a can of gluten, then I made a bowl of brownie, and had another can of gluten, another bowl of microwave cake, and another can or two of gluten. Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. I very foolishly started reading my LJ from this time last year, when as it turns out, Ken and I fought ALL THE TIME. Finally dragged my ass down to school just in time for class, and worked on Contracts while there, then attended tutoring, and asked the tutor my question about economic waste. Drove over to get Wyatt, and had to look up the directions to the Kearny Mesa pool, which is near Mesa, and therefore closer than I thought. Unfortunately, the gent there was an ass, and made Wyatt show him proof of disability. The swim went pretty good, except once the swim team got out, we both started freaking out a little. Only ended up getting 750 yards in, because the sun was starting to set, and the pool was starting to look a lot like a tank at Sea World. Better than nothing. Drove home, where Ken was still in his jammies. Cisco had gotten into the recycling after I left, and made a huge mess in the house, and when Leo took the bag off his neck, started peeing all over the place. Gaga wasn't going on until 9:50, so they didn't want to leave until 8-ish. They'd had fries and green chili black beans for dinner, and there was some left, so I ate it, then had another can of gluten. Kept reading my old journal, and Ken was ridiculously loving and sweet. Ken didn't end up getting in the shower until it was 8, and I had a cocktail while I waited. He drove us down to the concert, and it took me a couple blocks to figure out how to turn off his emergency lights. Back home, I read more, drank more, but didn't eat more, thank God. Also talked to a couple friends on Adam. Pulled up and read my old post on he Gay Brain Study from the PPK. Ken called a little after 11, so I put myself together and got ready to head down, but just then got a text that said “leave in 15.” Went ahead and called him, but he didn't answer, but I didn't want to go back in and have Cisco get all excited, so I just waited at the car. Ken called a little later, asking if I had called, and explained that he'd sent the text earlier, it just hadn't sent until now. How was I supposed to know that, exactly? Drove down and picked them up – they'd had a great night, and the concert was phenomenal. Leo went to In n Out when we got home, and Ken decided he NEEDED to know what was wrong. He doesn't understand why I'm so down. We have a great life, and what do I have to be unhappy about? What have I been doing for two years if I'm so miserable? I don't remember a lot of the conversation, but I got it out that Phoenix was still bothering me, and I corrected him on his use of the term “mistake” with regards to his past indiscretions, though he just said “whatever you want to call it”, and went on calling them mistakes. He tried to point out that he's been really good, and when was the last time he did anything like that? SO LONG AGO. Except that it was at the end of January, and whether or not he actually went to the bathhouse and fucked someone, what he did was fucked up. He apologized, but that means nothing to me. I teared up a couple times, but they never actually fell. We eventually went to bed, and I touched him, but he just wanted to be left alone. I got up to go into the living room, and he told me not to be like that, and I was tired enough that I just went to sleep.