thepnutgallery (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
thepnutgallery) wrote2020-10-13 11:00 am
thepnutgallery) wrote2020-10-13 11:00 am
Entry tags:
Burnt Bridges Light the Path
I was worried, having been off yesterday, that the NOAs would overwhelm me, but they were fine. I got those done, and since Tim checked in on the time for my session with Candace, cleaned up a little. Bathroom, dishes, stove. The session was not as productive as usual, though I suppose that's understandable for where we are. I was a little disappointed, tbh, because my announcement that I can be a pothead instead of a drunk (or worse) was met with...indifference. I guess she's hoping I go sober. Tim mentioned that my grim-glasses are self-reinforcing with my depression, and I now know weltschmertz is a thing. The sadness of the world will bury you if you let it. Candace was similarly nonplussed by my rage at the food chain, and apparently my feeling that I'm not a "real" lawyer is incredibly common among attorneys.
I went to pay my credit card, but found a $50 charge for DoorDash from McDonald's on Friday. I checked with Julian and Terry to see if they'd bought it. Julian said no (I'd forgotten, I told him I would never buy meat), Terry got really angry. Demanded an apology. I declined. Unfortunately, my soy curls were due to arrive, and I figured I'd eventually need to check my mail. Soy curls dropped them at my door, and I decided I could check my mail tomorrow.
In reviewing my Memories on FB, I saw my post about getting Houdini from Pet Kingdom. I thought about tagging Joshua in it, since his adopting Houdini's brother saved me from myself, but Sir Loras just died and....I did cluck at myself for posting it anyway, sans tag. If the point was to save Joshua a Surprise Grieving, I shouldn't have posted anything at all. But the point is to live as ethically as possible, and to do that you must have a life of your own. On the plus side, the pic of Houdini that I snapped is one of my better mouse pics. Julian called, and he'd been drinking and was still drinking. He talked some about moving out here, but also talked about our various furkids. I think I've mentioned before that I constantly Sliding Doors my life. If I hadn't done X, would Y still have happened? What about Q? Unsurprisingly, I usually do this to beat myself up. If you hadn't DONE X, Y WOULD NEVER HAVE HAPPENED, TRASH! But as I've mentioned, choosing to rescue feeder mice - even the path I took to get there - absolutely worth it. Julian mentioned that it's my legacy, and while that's way too strong a word....it's a goal. Unfortunately, he was tipsy enough to growl about my escorting, and then projected his own guilt from cheating on to me. Then growled about how expensive my apartment is...but it was somewhere between fantasy and nostalgia, because he kept talking about how much he loved his old studio, and how inexpensive it was....just forgetting that it was 5 years ago.
I smoked, took one watermelon, and felt divided. I'm going to weed so I don't have the calories and hangovers from booze. But I'm never high "enough." I can't possibly smoke so much I pass out.
I went to pay my credit card, but found a $50 charge for DoorDash from McDonald's on Friday. I checked with Julian and Terry to see if they'd bought it. Julian said no (I'd forgotten, I told him I would never buy meat), Terry got really angry. Demanded an apology. I declined. Unfortunately, my soy curls were due to arrive, and I figured I'd eventually need to check my mail. Soy curls dropped them at my door, and I decided I could check my mail tomorrow.
In reviewing my Memories on FB, I saw my post about getting Houdini from Pet Kingdom. I thought about tagging Joshua in it, since his adopting Houdini's brother saved me from myself, but Sir Loras just died and....I did cluck at myself for posting it anyway, sans tag. If the point was to save Joshua a Surprise Grieving, I shouldn't have posted anything at all. But the point is to live as ethically as possible, and to do that you must have a life of your own. On the plus side, the pic of Houdini that I snapped is one of my better mouse pics. Julian called, and he'd been drinking and was still drinking. He talked some about moving out here, but also talked about our various furkids. I think I've mentioned before that I constantly Sliding Doors my life. If I hadn't done X, would Y still have happened? What about Q? Unsurprisingly, I usually do this to beat myself up. If you hadn't DONE X, Y WOULD NEVER HAVE HAPPENED, TRASH! But as I've mentioned, choosing to rescue feeder mice - even the path I took to get there - absolutely worth it. Julian mentioned that it's my legacy, and while that's way too strong a word....it's a goal. Unfortunately, he was tipsy enough to growl about my escorting, and then projected his own guilt from cheating on to me. Then growled about how expensive my apartment is...but it was somewhere between fantasy and nostalgia, because he kept talking about how much he loved his old studio, and how inexpensive it was....just forgetting that it was 5 years ago.
I smoked, took one watermelon, and felt divided. I'm going to weed so I don't have the calories and hangovers from booze. But I'm never high "enough." I can't possibly smoke so much I pass out.