Warning Signs

[thepnutgallery]

It was a fantastic last work day of the year. I listened to "Our Love" on repeat all day, of course, but also finished all the work I wanted to. I opted not to do Din's mail for next week because he'll be back and is a big boy. But the last half-hour was sort of spinning my wheels. No clue what to do, not enough energy to update my journal, work towards any of my various side projects , or almost anything else. That probably should have been my first warning. I know exhaustion and depression are besties, but holy fuck. I sank fast. Pet the kids, listened to happy music, looked through Pinterest for happy furkids...everything I could think of, but I still wanted out. As we're all well aware, Lady Miss Friday keeps me from killing myself. I was still going to. I don't have any excuse, I just wanted out. In that moment, I took that "life goes on" phrase far too seriously. Lady Miss Friday would get rehomed, maybe even to a better place, and surely everyone else would understand? How could they want me to stay when I don't want to be here? The general advice for depressed folk wanting to tap out is to think of all the joy and whatnot, but that equation has never made sense to me. Good stuff in my life doesn't translate to less suffering for the rest of the world. The rabbit doesn't care that the hawk is happy. I can't save every rabbit, and more importantly, I can't do anything about the system requiring the hawk to murder the rabbit. I'm incapable of reaching out; far too butch for that. Instead I went to Ralph's and bought a handle of vodka. And vegan nuggets. Day before NYE, it was busy and they only had two lanes open. Then they closed one of them. No clue if that's Kroger fucking over their employees or the manager fucking up, but the manager didn't give a fuck. Many, many times I've drank with the express goal of passing out, which is yet another red flag, but tonight I thought of it as harm reduction. It is so frustrating that with all the technology at our fingertips, we still haven't created a harmless recreational drug. Weed's fine but my tolerance skyrockets so quickly and I will always overdose on anything given to me.