thepnutgallery (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
thepnutgallery) wrote2016-07-10 07:26 pm
thepnutgallery) wrote2016-07-10 07:26 pm
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I felt much better when I woke up. And then I didn't. And then I did. Over and over again. I cancelled the shoot, which I hadn't really even scheduled. Mostly I laid with Lady Miss Friday on my bed, and while she's still not cuddling, she did meow if I moved away or stopped petting her. There's a wall there. Tim called to check on me and ask if Pupple could come over.
No.
He called again in the evening with the same request and was given the same answer. Apparently this thing is called grief. I do not like it. It is at once less and more powerful than the random overwhelming sadness I've felt at other times. The momma otter, the insane penguins, the guys who were killing job seekers, the people who hacked their friend's face in then had sex while he lay dying, the dogs in Romania and Iran, etc etc etc. Really, the last time I remember feeling like this was the farmer who died, and that prompted me to rescue Mousey in the first place, but even that wasn't quite the same. Those are horrible, horrible things, but there's nothing I could have done about them. There's no "if only I'd..."
I did finally drag myself to the gym, and wisely did not go to the store after. I refilled the hummingbird feeder outside, because failing one thing does not justify throwing others away. Watched Parks & Rec for the rest of the night, drank some booze, tried not to drown. Julian hasn't messaged me since Friday, so I asked Tim to contact him, and his mom. He hasn't responded to Tim, and his mom hasn't responded to me.
No.
He called again in the evening with the same request and was given the same answer. Apparently this thing is called grief. I do not like it. It is at once less and more powerful than the random overwhelming sadness I've felt at other times. The momma otter, the insane penguins, the guys who were killing job seekers, the people who hacked their friend's face in then had sex while he lay dying, the dogs in Romania and Iran, etc etc etc. Really, the last time I remember feeling like this was the farmer who died, and that prompted me to rescue Mousey in the first place, but even that wasn't quite the same. Those are horrible, horrible things, but there's nothing I could have done about them. There's no "if only I'd..."
I did finally drag myself to the gym, and wisely did not go to the store after. I refilled the hummingbird feeder outside, because failing one thing does not justify throwing others away. Watched Parks & Rec for the rest of the night, drank some booze, tried not to drown. Julian hasn't messaged me since Friday, so I asked Tim to contact him, and his mom. He hasn't responded to Tim, and his mom hasn't responded to me.