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Woke up to a text message from Julian, saying he thinks about me every day. I still don't know what to say to him, so I still say nothing. Eric was still sleeping when I left, Lady Miss Friday had retired to a cubby. Iced my leg all day at work - the first 72 hours after an injury is the most important in terms of healing time, and I really couldn't do much the first 48. But I could've done something.

Tim messaged me during the day to ask for advice for Kirby and let me know he had him there. Kirby apparently left work to go to the emergency room and was fired for it. That's a big nono. Actually, his work had a lot of nonos, and I'm kind of glad they've got this MASSIVE cherry to topple the sundae. I told him what his next steps should be, but I'm not getting invested in any of that. Kirby has decided to move out of his current place because his roommate does meth and fucked all day. In fairness, he didn't have a problem with me fucking all day, so the dealbreaker is clearly chems, and he was actually paying for this space. That being said, it's not like he had to share a room with guy.

Briefly thought about going to the store on my way home, because I'm almost out of "meatballs" but I didn't have any bags, so I told myself I'd go before rehearsal. Eric was gone when I got home, but Bryan and Jeff were both home, Jeff looking ever more homeless. He mumbled something about trying to get into Stepping Stone in the morning, and that he would try again tomorrow. I think you have to be sober for a certain period of time before they'll even let you on the wait list, but I'm not 100 % sure. He took out the recycling with me then walked...somewhere, still mumbling.

Bryan needs me to help him with his resume, but my new printer isn't connecting properly to my computer. I'm destined to be home printerless. I'll bring it in to work and scan it.

This was our first performance in front of the chorus, and I was awesome. This was also our first night with costumes for Cell Block. I thought the shrug they mentioned was going to be full sleeves, but it's literally just the shoulders. So then bicep curls in addition to crunches between now and Saturday. A couple people made a couple flubs, but I wasn't one of them, and several chorus members came up to me after to tell me I'm awesome. And a couple came up to me to tell me they want to sleep with me. Which is also fine.

Since I didn't manage the store before rehearsal, and rehearsal gets out at 10, of course I didn't make it. Jeff and Bryan were both home when I finally got there, watching Dana Carvey's new standup, though it was mercifully almost over. Jeff crashed, I retired to my room, and finally crashed myself a little after 11, only to be woken up at midnight by the TV suddenly turning on full volume again. I walked out and asked Bryan to turn it down and he looked at me for a second before he complied....turning it down all of 3 clicks. I kind of hate that I even had to wrestle with myself, but I texted him to tell him to turn it down to the point I couldn't hear it through my wall. He definitely wasn't doing it to piss me off. He was either completely oblivious that midnight is an inappropriate time to have the TV on full blast, or was actively trying to fuck with Jeff.
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Tim asked to come over for tofu scramble, mentioned he might bring Tammy as well. Bryan was up when I got up and also needed to go to the store. Apparently, he's been up for several days. Not high, mind you, just...up. For days. Naturally. I kept forgetting things I needed at the store, but also texted around inviting a few people. I invited my flight attendant, but he had some sort of bug. Apparently a good thing I didn't go over last night.

I started the tofu scramble, Tim came over with Pupple, Bryan finally crashed. Tim is concerned about the state of my living room, and I am too. Bryan has a lot of stuff, and living out of your suitcase isn't easy with one suitcase, much less one suitcase and several trash bags of stuff. Tami wasn't with him. Late night or something. He's going to find out if the various places he needs the extra 1k for will take credit card, since it's a bit much to ask for a grand literally right after borrowing 4. We briefly touched on other people, including Julian. I think the relationship would have been easier if we were the only two people on Earth. Tim thinks he he would have destroyed us anyway. I agree, I just think it would have taken longer.

My client from the other week texted, letting me know he mailed my umbrella to me. I reminded him I'd have been fine with him keeping it until next time, checked on him coming to the show. He said he wasn't sure, as he'd sent a few texts without a response. I've been excellent about communications, so I screencapped my texts with him. Apparently he forgot to press "send." I'm glad we cleared that up, as I'd hate for someone to think I didn't like them over a technological mishap.

Tim washed the dishes, which was nice of him, and wanted to run another few errands, but I had Peter coming over around 1. I was possibly supposed to fist him, but it was seriously like old times in terms of our passion. I rode him briefly, and he ended up cumming. I came for him as well, figuring that would make him not feel as bad about cumming quickly. Unfortunately, he actually wanted to make an afternoon of it, and would have been ready to go again later. I had social plans, though, and I'm rarely a multi-cummer anyway.

I met up with Bryan, Jon-Michael, and Colt at Gossip. Colt is visiting for a week or so, I had one drink there, but the boys wanted to stay in the gayborhood and I wanted to go to The Hole. Gave them a ride home, then to Babycakes, then finally off to the Hole. I bought a drink, chatted with a bunch of friends. I found McEwen and Paul, who apparently hadn't seen my latest porn shoot. He was mooneyed over a tall furry gent who took a liking to me. Also somewhat awkward was the nice guy who came up to me while I was chatting with McEwen to tell me I'm incredibly attractive and he wants to sleep with me. Flattering, but awkward.

McEwen was very hungry, but didn't really want to eat there, so we headed off to Mo's instead. Jess is now a hostess there, so we got seated right away. The biggest advantage was that we were sitting next to the DJ, and he ID'd a song for me. We only stayed at Mo's for one drink, and then I had to get home.

Better Aim

Apr. 7th, 2016 02:45 pm
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Despite having an exhausting fucking day and getting to bed at a reasonable hour, I couldn't sleep at all. It was well after 1am before I finally dozed off, and I woke up before my 6am alarm.


There was some bullshit "interview" with Bernie Sanders, which was trumpeted by Hillary supporters as a nail in the coffin for a few days before it was rightly called out as being bullshit. Of course, Hillary supporters are still claiming it's a nail in the coffin, because politics often resembles a childhood game of cops & robbers. Each side claims direct hits on the other, and the other "dodges" all of it.

Though I usually don't post political stuff, I did repost the article calling out the initial hitpiece interview, which drew a few Hillary supporters trying to throw shade. To quote a recent macro I saw, "I don't throw shade, I give light" - I will light you on fire. Aside from not drowning in everything that's been going on, getting to so completely eviscerate people trying to attack me has been the highlight of my week.

I somehow made it through the day, got all my work done, and picked up the Friday breakfast goodies for work the next day before heading home. Lloyd was gone when I got there, which is good because as nice as he was, I was ready to have my living room back. Shane hasn't texted me back about staying with me this weekend, but I wanted at least one night alone before he comes in (if he comes).

Amazingly, I did not text Julian back. I have no idea what to say to him, and I don't think we've had enough space for us to do anything but fall back into our terrible patterns. Instead I jerked off on the couch looking at pictures of his ass. Temptation to text him subsided after that. Go figure.


Apr. 6th, 2016 03:32 pm
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I showered in the morning, to get the sweat off of me, and to get a good start to my day. Worked for the former, not the latter. I've been working really hard on getting to bed early so I don't need to drink so much coffee at work. However, the biggest downfall for my erections is exhaustion. If I'm tired, it's probably just not going to work, so I had a second cup at 2pm.

My friend Ryan messaged me in the early afternoon, wanting to hang out, or at least get ready for a leather event at my place. Ryan lives in north county, so it's fairly understandable that he'd need a place. He also has a lot of mental issues - anxiety, depression, etc. He has an adorable service dog named Sterling. Apparently he comes from money - Balenciaga, Coach, mum bought him a new car, etc. And he's used to getting his way.

The first hiccup was him being in my shower when I got home, because I needed that. Okay, the first hiccup was the first 5 Batmans who had to drop out for one reason or another. Anyway, I got cleaned up just fine, but then I started having stomach trouble. Like, delayed us an hour, continued late into the night and today kind of stomach trouble.

Ryan, on hearing that we were doing a porn shoot, offered to be crew, be on camera for free, do marketing, do anything. Sure. Lucky is friendly with other dogs, and Spencer is a service dog, so presumably well socialized. Both Ryan and my co-star were maybe a little too eager, often following us around and interrupting us to offer suggestions, or even just hear themselves talk (and talk and talk).

Ryan met Julian while we were together, did meth with him that one night, and apparently they're friends now. So I got a text from Julian on the way to the shoot, (the first since all his angry messages telling me he'd make my life hell and I should kill myself) which I declined to respond to, or delve into exactly how good of friends my self-proclaimed power bottom friend and horsehung ex are. I had more than enough to deal with.

Dan, owner of the only studio that consistently hires me, is supportive of my venture, and gave me a dose of TriMix for my costar. Lloyd is a sport for doing the shoot, but goddamn. TriMix and a half a Viagra and he could barely get hard. Then he was too close to cumming, then he almost couldn't cum at all.

It's tough to direct while you're performing, and tied up at that. I knew going into it that the set and costumes were cheap AF, so I was really counting on our performances to make it. Looking back, I'm now wondering if Lloyd has ever seen Adam West's Batman, because he started out deep, gruff, and angry, like animated series Batman, and ended up deep, gruff, and overly salacious, like Kim Cattral. (I kid!) Lloyd also apparently doesn't know anything about porn positioning and Dave wasn't forceful enough to position us for shots, because I was directing. But being in the scene, I can't see what's working for the camera, and being the tied up bottom, I'm not really in a position, so to speak, to maneuver us.

The rope used was too long, and he never really came to a conclusion about what to do with it - he was initially going to cut me out of it, but then had gone on fucking me so long that his "knots" started coming undone of their own accord, so sort of fumbled with them for a while. So we didn't get as long a shoot as Dave wanted - apparently only about 20 min, vs the 30 that a scene should be, there's none of me riding him, etc. In a nod to one of my fans, I had him rim me until I came, which might have garnered a few extra minutes.

Early on in the shoot, Sterling attacked Lucky because Sterling was playing with Lucky's toys and didn't want him getting close (TO HIS OWN TOYS), which was awful, and Ryan opted to take an Uber back to my place, but then said he left there just before I got home.

Dave is excited about the shoot, and going to have a rough edit available for me in less than a week. I'm not so confident. A while back, there was a Spiderman sex vid that involved two dudes(?) in zentai suits. I'm not even sure they actually fuck or cum, or if they just rub each other a bunch. I wasn't really around for it, and don't really go in for trainwrecks. It was comedy for all the wrong reasons, and I'm terrified of this being the new that.

On the plus side, I'm very pleased with my performance. My dick stayed relatively hard for the whole shoot, I came a lot, though not the distance I was hoping for, and despite having the most trouble I've ever had getting ready for a shoot, my stomach cooperated just long enough for us to finish and me to get home.
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I remembered there had been several changes in the wedding schedule, so I wasn't sure if tonight was the rehearsal or what, so I got dressed for the whole thing anyway. Also, today was the final meeting with Lynelle, and HR was going to be there, too. I was damned if I was going to be fired looking like my normal hobo self.

For all the mystery and anxiety surrounding the meeting, it was fine. Made the follow up write up final, signed by Cheryl because Elaine is out. They asked about the wedding, sighed when I told them I was terrible about even responding to invites. I hate saying no, so I'll often just not reply. They gave me that same look I get when something that's perfectly normal to me is considered outlandish, but that's just Eric. Like I've gone and worn my underwear outside my pants - again.

The rehearsal was fairly quick; did a quick walkthrough of the process, I need to have all the music on thumb drives. One for the recessional, one for dinner, and one for dancing. No problem.

Julian messaged me after, offering to take a taxi to my place. I picked him up instead, he relaxed on my bed while I wrestled with the celebration song. Whatever format it was, it was highly resistant to saving as any other format or editing in the current format. And I couldn't find the exact version online anywhere to download. After a few hours, I figured a workaround - played it in VLC, made a recording of the clip I want. Easy-peasy.

Julian had been asking to get back together, insisting all the issues from before were due to alcohol, and now he was sober. I was really really clear with him. Whatever the issues he had, and whatever they were due to, I don't feel it anymore, and don't want a relationship with him. We both drank, which was another worry of mine. As with my house guests, I'm not a good person for someone newly sober to be around. I don't like telling people "no." And I like to drink, so how could I tell you not to?

Between us, we drank a handle of vodka. I'm imagining that's mostly him, but good lord. He asked, at some point, if I'd had sex with Bryan. Of course I have. He lost it. Screaming at me and screaming and screaming. I told him to leave, he refused. We went back and forth for a while, and I finally told him, still without raising my own voice, that he needed to leave because I wanted to kill him. Wrap my hands around his throat and squeeze. He finally left.


Mar. 18th, 2016 03:17 pm
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I broke up with my ex boyfriend again last night. This is far more common for me than breaking up once and never seeing them again. I think Ken is the only ex I've ever *not* at least fucked after breaking up.

Julian and I met on a random Sunday at #1 on Fifth. He was cute, and sweet, and our sex was phenomenal. He liked a lot of the same music, was an animal lover, and loved how much I loved animals and music. When one of my couch surfers nearly killed Mousey, he suggested we move him to his place. Like all my relationships, we had great chemistry, and were therefore officially boyfriends less than 2 months later. Unofficial boyfriends before that, of course.

I saw warning signs while we were still dating. He had an unfortunate mix of abandonment and control issues. He took shots of vodka in the morning before breakfast, sometimes instead of breakfast. I bought him a shotglass with his name on it. We had a volatile relationship, and things got physical once. He "started it," but I have 20+lbs on him, so I shouldn't have finished it. After that, most of our fights were him drunkenly screaming at me and apologizing the next day. He sometimes apologized without remembering any of the night before; it was habit. Friends stopped going out with us because the drunken fight was so predictable.

I tried to get counseling for us through the Center after our altercation, but he was only free on Fridays, and we were on a waitlist for 4 months without a peep. He'd eventually quit his job, which obviously made scheduling much easier. He went to Germany in late December, to see his dying Grandfather and stay for the funeral. While he was gone, he called me frequently, and often chastised me for not calling him. He was often drunk, and yelled at me for not being there, for vegan food causing deforestation, and a couple other things. I broke up with him the night he got back. I know, it was terrible timing, but I had a lot of things there, and it was my best shot for a clean break. He asked where my stuff was, started crying, and begged and begged and begged and begged me not to. I finally got out by asking for "a break" after an hour of telling him we were breaking up. He asked to see me every day during our "break."

That Thursday, we were supposed to work together. He no-showed but called me later, drunk at Mo's and shouting about a million things he wouldn't remember the next day. I changed my FB status that night to officially be Single again. He messaged me the next day, hundreds of times while I was at work, and showed up at my place in the evening, refusing to leave until I called the police.

For some people, that childhood lesson "please is a magic word" is taken too literally. Obviously, if you say please, and the answer is no, you just need to ask again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. Julian is at least the second such person I've met, and I don't even know how to go about researching it.

I thought it was important that Julian get counseling, so I continued to see him, so that he could qualify for therapy through me at The Center. I also let him use my car during the day, so he could run various job-searching errands and the like. This was probably a mistake, but such is the road to hell.

This past Sunday, my friend Bryan invited us to be Softball Cheerleaders, and then to a BBQ. About half-way through the BBQ, someone brought out a plate of coke. This past Tuesday, a friend invited us over to swim and hot-tub. Most of the guys ended up naked. Julian was into it at first, but ended up the drunkest I've ever seen him and shouted at me the whole way home. His side of the bed was soaked in the morning, though it didn't smell. He demanded I get him a new blanket, then just snatched the half I was using off of me.

That afternoon, he didn't pick me up from work. He's usually a little late, but this time he just never showed. I texted and called a few times, but an hour later I hadn't heard back, so I started walking home. It's 3.5 miles, so neither pleasant nor impossible. He called when I was almost home, apologized at first, but quickly switched to shouting how unfair it was that he needed to wake up early every day just so he could use my car while I was at work. Then he started shouting that I didn't tell him there was going to be coke/nudity at the parties. The fact that I didn't know these things was no excuse. He threatened not to give my car back. I told him I would report it stolen. He later showed up to my place, apparently high as a kite, and alternated sobbing and shouting. I told him to leave, offered him a ride, but only about 10 times before I said I'd drive him home and waited in my car. I came back in a few hours later to find him asleep. In the morning, he followed me out to my car, demanding to know how he was supposed to get home. I offered him a ride again. He wanted me to stay and talk, so I went to work. Hundreds of messages. But I do know what's good for me, and I've done what I could for you.

Looking back on all of this, I'm not sure how much distance we're going to need. I'd like him to be in my life, but he's been out of work for a few months, and already took out predatory loans to pay the last couple month's rent. I advised him earlier to move home with his mom. She lives in AR, which is not ideal, but he wouldn't have to worry about bills, and he's close with her. The distance might make our break up(s) easier on him, as well.


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