Mar. 7th, 2017

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Slept through the whole night despite having not taken a melatonin. Small victories. Brian had messaged me back, at first understanding and then increasingly angry again as his texts approached midnight. I explained I wake up at 6, and made sure to send the message at 6. Back to understanding. Really hard to drag myself out of bed, but I did it, and even managed to find parking. Worked out in the morning, and tried to do it again on my break, but everything felt so heavy by then. Hugo said he loved the song, is happy I'm in rehearsal, sent me an image about loving dogs, and said he was thinking of me. Way more demonstrative than I'm used to from him.

A guy hit me up towards the end of the day, but he was just a torso, and several messages in was still a torso. I liked what little Grindr allows you to say on his profile, so I tried to keep my temper in check in explaining to him that I shouldn't even need to ask for a face pic. Something is obviously up with my emotions because I had a hard time not being a raging bitch to that guy, and then the homeless, possibly insane man sitting on the street corner at the bank nearly had me in tears. I laid down with Lady Miss Friday at home. She wasn't feeling super cuddly, but turned to stretch out and watch me while I laid down. I'm grateful there were no pressing tricks. I was too tired, and I felt bad about taking up so much time in her room yesterday with a bunch of strange men. Oh, and I'm bleeding kind of a lot from my ass. At the same time, I was grateful there were non-pressing tricks - guys who want to get together "at some point" - because I nearly fell asleep but for the buzzing of my phone.

Had a minor moment freaking out when I went to update my journal. The draft email I keep it in wasn't in the draft folder. Or in the sent folder. Or anywhere. I finally checked the trash, and there it was, which makes no sense. I guess I could see me being so out of it I accidentally hit send, but hitting send and then deleting it from both sent and my inbox....weird.

Got some entries uploaded, headed off to rehearsal. Nathan wants to do a scene based on a true story. He's home in the middle of the day with 5 other guys having an orgy, when his stepson comes home with his girlfriend, also planning to take advantage of the empty house for sexins. In the real story, he waited until they were in their room, then quietly ushered all 5 guys past the room and out the door. In the fantasy scene, wackiness ensues as he tries to get 5 randy guys to stop fucking and hide, the stepson jerks off to a men's fitness mag to get hard for the girlfriend, and the girlfriend pulls out a massive strap-on at the end. It was a bit of a clusterfuck, but not anywhere near as bad as it could have been. Todd was there acting as director. I guess before he chose the Big Boy science job he has, he was possibly going on tour for a Broadway show, or something. He makes a fine director, really. For being 10 days before the performance and us only going to have 2 rehearsals total, I think it's fine. Although I said goodbye to the group as a whole at the end, Todd called out to give a personal goodbye and offer me some of his potato salad with tri-tip, which of course does me no good. This is noteworthy only because Andrew messaged me on Monday, talking about not taking sides between Todd and I. I barely remember interacting at all with Todd or Andrew on Bear Night, and certainly don't remember any bad blood, but who knows.

Josh walked out with me, but our cars were in opposite directions. On the way back to mine, a nice, if rambling homeless man stopped to ask for a sammich and a soda. He'd been able to get all but the $.12 he needed for the sammich, but still needed the soda. I'll get it, no sweat. The guy at Twiggs totaled everything at $2, so I tipped 3.

CJ messaged me about coming over to fuck me in my "sleep," but given my exhaustion and bleeding, I thought getting rough fucked might not be a good idea. I left the light on for Kirby, which I shouldn't have done for two reasons. 1) I had a really hard time sleeping, either due to the light itself, or due to the anxiety about hearing him come home. And 2) at some point I did drift off, and was freaked the fuck out that the light was off, so obviously he'd come home and I didn't notice.

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