Sep. 14th, 2017 10:38 am
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I slept a little better, had a little more energy during the day. Finally figured out why I was sleeping through my alarm - somehow the volume for it had gotten turned all the way down.

Thinking more about my frustration and depression with Warren, it's not just that we broke up, or how we broke up, though honey, it's a big part of it. It turns out I was pretty frustrated with the relationship itself. I wanted him to want me more, to be more physically demonstrative. I'm upset that we had so little sex, and he was so paranoid about STDs with me, but he was out hounding all of my friends to pound them bare. I'm actually mad that we barely ever kissed. He never posted any of the pics we took to his page, only sent them to me to post without tagging him. Ostensibly, this is because a bunch of my friends would start thirst adding him. Now I'm not so sure.

I had a good meeting with Dave and Lynelle, mostly about policy, but I had some good ideas that Lynelle wants to implement.

I really really really did not want to work after work, but even though I've been busy over the summer, both my big clients canceled in September and I'm hyper aware of the clock on escorting. Plus, given that Topher canceled the last time, and Norman cancels frequently, it would be bad form for me to cancel. Topher still couldn't cum, and I'm not organizing things, hosting, and cumming for that. Especially not when I've got a fan coming over later.

Got them out of there, John rescheduled my rescheduling to 7, which was fine. We had an okay time. Certainly none of the issues with Warren. Asked to marry me repeatedly. But I came for him, he had a good time.

I thought about going to Brandon's comedy show, but even though I told him I'm not mad at him over Warren, it feels a little gross to be attending his show *now.* Like I'm chasing Warren's crumbs...even though Warren had to piggy back off me to even get to Brandon in the first place. Spent time with Lady Miss Friday and drank wine instead.
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I had a very hard time doing anything at work, and didn't manage to do anything at all at home. I watched some Netflix but I couldn't tell you what. I shared a story with Chip about how boys used to be required to swim naked in Chicago schools. I thought he'd have enjoyed it, but it apparently brought back *very* traumatic memories of his Uncle taking 7 y/o him to a naked pool. I walked the line between self-deprecating humor and sympathy. He sent a really nice text: "You’re a tower of strength to your friends. Sorta an island in troubled seas. (And my God! do your friends troubled seas!)"
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Kevin invited me to a last minute orgy, or maybe invited me, last minute, to an orgy. I like fucking Kevin, so I said sure. A couple people hit me up to fuck before, but I needed the time to get ready. I ended up leaving at 8 instead of arriving at 8. The "orgy" never got beyond a 5 way, I think, despite people sitting in the sling on their phones like they were high. And it was a sling and an inflatable mattress in the garage. I had a good connection with Kevin's roommate, an attractive ginger named Dane. Good enough to pretend to give him my load before I left. A black gentleman had a good enough connection with me to give me his load. Kevin apparently wanted to organize a sex party, but really have it be a gangbang, and I pointed that out to him before I left.

Gary, the host, walked upstairs as I was leaving to check on his dog, so naturally I went with him. He's a rescue, but they think he's a Shiba/Chihuahua mix. He literally paid me no attention at all when we walked in, because he was expecting a cookie. Once he got it, suddenly I was in the room, and I sat on the ground with him for a few minutes before heading home.

Had a hard time cumming when I finally jerked off at home. And as much fun as this should have been - both the orgy and the time with the dog - I didn't feel any better.

Hey, Doc

Sep. 11th, 2017 12:25 pm
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Call from my doc in the morning. One of the tests was iffy, so they wanted me to come back and test again and also treat me presumptively. And the appointment is with Schmerber. Naturally, I ran home, got cleaned up, and changed my shirt before heading over. I was on time for my appointment, which really means 15 min early, and wasn't even taken back until 15 min after. They're a busy, low cost clinic, so I'm good. Schmerber himself looks slightly different, though I can't put my finger on exactly how. He's a bit more aggressively trying to blur the lines between doctor and psychologist (you might remember he was originally a psych major before med school). I'm not here for it. I get that it's his job because it's his passion, but literally the worst way to make me open up is to make me think it's something you do for everyone. I'm not fucking everyone. I'm working on fucking everyone. I'm also no longer infatuated with Schmerber, though I'd absolutely still fuck him.

Finally home, I really should have gone to the gym or the store or a trick or almost anything. I almost did have a trick over, but he was hungover and begged off. A photographer from LA is going to Folsom and offered to let me stay in his hotel for free. I did *finally* manage to get my new scene cross-posted to FB. It's pretty popular.
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Woke up at 3am, worried it was a work day, and only a little happier to find that it wasn't. Managed to doze a bit until 10am. I'd been possibly supposed to hook up with Buzz, but he was having work done on his house. I'm grateful, since I'm not quite in a place to fuck yet. Meant to get out to the Number's event but couldn't. I had an odd headache and stomachache in the morning, and it almost kept me from going out at all. Keagan declined going to The Hole, heading to the beach with Chris instead. Chris has been ill, so they haven't spent much time together since Keagan got back anyway.

The Hole was more sparsely populated than I would have thought, and I didn't trust myself to drink anything to begin with, so I just grabbed a glass of water. I chatted with a couple groups of people, but ended up in back with Matt, Paul, and his friend Kyle. Kyle did a movie with Titan a while back - huge dick. I did finally get a drink in me. A gent hit on me and I had to explain to them that while I was happy to trade numbers, I don't normally hook up from a bar. I also saw Brad, who has been more than a little standoffish in communications but decided to make out with me in person.

Matt was *way* too drunk to drive, so I got us all to Mo's, and only heard the Kill Bill Siren a little when he took that opportunity to suck Kyle's dick in the back of my car. I had another drink at Mo's, gave my ticket for Glamazon to Jess, and couldn't remember where I parked my car after.
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Tim asked me to join him at South Bay Pride, Keagan asked to come by for a break from work at Industrial Grind. I had to go to the gym first, and even that got pushed back from someone asking questions about escorting. I had a better workout than the day before.

Keagan arrived just as I was getting out of the shower, we talked about his current work - immigration stuff, but it's often the case that things are cut and dry against his potential clients - and life since he's been gone. Apparently only 3 months? Seems like longer. He declined to come with to Pride, but said he might be up for going out later.

Dragged myself down to Chula Vista, found Tim and Pupple, but really wasn't in the mood to be around people. Usually, of course, being around people changes that, but it didn't this time. It didn't help that there were so many children there. Children love Pupple, but are terrible about respecting boundaries and space. And even when Pupple starts growling at them, they take that as a sign they should pet him more. I hate them. I left an hour or two after arriving. I managed to doze briefly at home, texted around to see who was up for PECS or something, but no one was. Bryan Riley messaged me around 11:30 to go out, but I was tired and Lady Miss Friday was laying against my side, which is unusual.
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I'm beginning to feel a bit groundhog dayish about depressed days at work. On the plus side, my tests came back negative. Which is apparently only a requirement he had for me. He tagged me in a dog meme but I didn't respond. Listened to the new Kelly all day.

I hit the gym on the way home, because not going isn't going to do anyone any good. Didn't last long, but I went. Messaged around to see about going to the last Harness, but wasn't totally sold on going myself. I tried to post my new porn scene to FB but they kept thinking it was Spam. The new season of Bojack came out, Jane Krakowski does a voice in it and she's beautiful. Keagan was going to come with me, but dropped out just after I posted to FB about how very mixed things have been.

I couldn't get into Bojack, despite it being chock full of the dark comedy I know it for. I'd hoped to at least get drunk, high on poppers, and into my toys, but that wasn't working either.


Sep. 7th, 2017 08:08 am
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Upset stomach in the morning, tired and grumpy out of nowhere all day. Finally got around to listening to Kelly Clarkson's new singles and they're both amazing. "Love So Soft" is an uptempo soulful jam a la Introducing Joss Stone, while "Move You" is a gorgeous ballad. I pre-ordered the album, posted about it on FB, and as soon as the tour is announced I'm going I to get a Citibank card. Igot most of my work done except for claims, then remembered at the last minute that I'm actually ahead on claims. Stellar feeling, really.

Ryan posted that he was going to have a pool day, which I pretty much ignored until Warren texted asking if he was having a pool party. I messaged him, he would be there until 6ish, but since it's an apartment and not a house, it's not really a pool party. I heard from Warren again at 5:40, asking if I was home. I'd been meaning to go to the gym, but obviously wasn't at this point. He came over 5 min later, laid down on the bed. After a few minutes of laying together, he asked me to eat his ass. He'd apparently just showered, so was ready for it. Great! But he also just jerked off, so he wasn't going to cum. I did, and hit his stomach while he sat on my face.

Questions swirled around my head. Why was he already in the neighborhood? Why, if he'd showered so I could eat his ass, had he also just jerked off? I'd have loved to have fucked him, but of course, we're still waiting on test results.

He was going to dinner with his gaybor - no invite for me - but I did still want to go to the gym, so that was fine. Instead, he suggested we go shopping for dinner things for Saturday, and maybe for Taco Tuesday at Whole Foods. We walked around the store, he talked but didn't listen. He'd interrupt what I was saying to talk about something else without even apologizing or returning us to what I was saying. But he also held my hand, hugged me when we stopped to look at things, and kissed my cheek.

Tim was in the area for a business function that turned out to be in a completely different place, so wanted to swing by. I told him I wasn't home, and didn't answer when he asked when I'd be back. When Warren and I got home, he still hadn't heard from his gaybor, so we laid down again, him cuddling up next to me and answering texts. On his screen, at 4:29, just before the last text he'd sent me was a text to Brandon: "Here." Things clicked in. He'd fucked him. He'd intentionally excluded me because he wanted him for himself. He hadn't used a condom because...?

He needed to get out.

Naturally, Tim walked up at that exact moment with Pupple in tow. We talked to the extent I was able through my haze. I don't know why so many partners of mine want me to be the wife they come home to. I don't know why they think it's okay for me to work to get *us* laid and them to work to get *themselves* laid with those same people. I don't know why they keep thinking they're going to get away with it. And I don't know why I keep falling for them.

Testing 123

Sep. 6th, 2017 10:38 am
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Lynelle emailed me in the morning, reminding me that there was an additional Kudo I said I'd do. Her only correction was to make the language stronger. So that's good. Our intern got back from a return trip to Japan and brought candy with her - mostly various flavors of kitkat. I should have gone in when the message went out, because I could have brought some matcha flavored ones home for Warren.

I really didn't think I had the energy to go to the gym after work, so I laid on the couch with Lady Miss Friday and helped a panel attorney with her claims questions. Thought about trying to go early so I could maybe see Warren, but that hasn't worked very well in the past.

The waiting room was packed when I got there, 20 min before my start time as requested. I didn't get to see the doc until 30 min after my start time, either. My lip started burning while I was waiting, but there were no mirrors anywhere, and the camera on my phone is terrible. The doc didn't see anything, and both her and the second opinion doc she asked agree that it really is a stye on my eyelid. I did my swabs, headed home, watched the last couple episodes of GLOW.

Warren messaged me around 9 - he'd gone to dinner with Glen, got wasted off a glass of rose. Asked if he could stop by and see me when he sobered up some. I waited up for him until almost 11 before I told him I was going to bed and wished him a good night. He was already on his way home. Oops.
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Still down in the morning. I did finally get a message from Warren - cat memes. Thanks. Didn't make it to the paddleboarding event in La Jolla, but did drag myself out for the housewarming with Al and Ryan. I'd already been to their house, of course, but this was official. It was a smaller party than I'd thought. I spent the first 10 min sitting on the floor with their dog, but they're used to that from me. They have friend in PS who are very interested in me, and I spent most of the party talking to them. Also talked to Al a bit. He hasn't contacted me again because of my night job..which makes no sense to me, but I guess I need to reach out to them instead.

Facebook locked me down for one of my postings. Which is frustrating at best. Warren messaged me again in the evening, noting that I'd been locked down. He'd posted to images of his ass to the play groups on FB, but hadn't gotten much attention from them. I can usually be counted on to at least pipe in there. It didn't occur to me until now, but he never commented about me on there. Not in response to any of his pics, and never on any of mine. He tagged his ex, he tagged the kid he'd fucked in LA, but not me.

I went downtown and fucked a twink. Pretended to cum inside him. He was happy.
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Got a message in the morning that just said "hey" and seemed flustered that I didn't automatically assume it was a potential client. Must be new.

Gave Nick some advice on gay cruises, advised him to go to a resort instead. I managed to find a way to play multi-disc games on the Nostalgia Machine. I'm a fucking genius.

I was supposed to go to the Betty Who concert, but I was down from not getting any contact from Warren since he spent the night with his friend, and just sort of down in general. I redownloaded Scruff and Grindr onto my phone. An attractive guy hit me up, but I wasn't up for it.

Justin and Nate hit me up. I wasn't really up for it - very tired, depressed, and more than a little drunk. But I felt like I kind of owed it to Nate, since playing with a couple is my preference even though I know they're very very open. They came over, I couldn't get hard enough to top, even with ass eating, but they DP'd me and both came. So yay.
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Warren complained again in the morning that his gaybors won't let him rent their extra room, possibly for free. I don't really have much sympathy there. I did, however, still text him in the afternoon about a major traffic jam so he could look for alternate ways home, but he was unconcerned.

Jason was open to anything for dinner, so I went with the easy route and got potstickers with rice. They came out alright. We talked some, though I was largely pre-occupied with thoughts of Warren. He'd been laid off from AETNA and was having a great time. Gone to Europe where he had some sex - a lot for him, a little for me. Was really impressed by their attitudes towards it. He has a steam cleaner or rug doctor or something, and he'll let me borrow it as soon as Bryan's stuff is gone.

CJ hit me up again just as he was leaving, so I got cleaned up, confirmed the scene (sleeping, etc), got into bed...and then his boyfriend got home. If he'd just leave when I said "yes."
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Warren found a place in Hillcrest - $1000 all inclusive, willing to accept massages and personal training as part of it. He's not cut out for sex work, but if I can get him a deal on rent by fucking people....there have been stranger relationships in the past.

I paid my car off in full in the afternoon. Something I should have been doing with my extra money for a while. It's fine, I paid it off 2.5 years early. I just could have done better.

Andy from chorus asked to come over, so I said sure. He's got a big dick, we still flip fucked. It was nice. I'd have liked Warren there to at least watch, but he only likes twinks and gingers.

Apparently I saw Jason on Saturday night and suggested dinner at my place for Thursday. Oh, drunk Squeak. I invited Warren, but he was spending the night at his friend Skye's. Oh....okay. I don't know Skye. I've never heard him even mention Skye before. And his FB doesn't show a Skye. But Warren is a big boy, and while I'd like to be invited, he needs his own social/sexual life as well.

Tim asked to come over, and I said sure. Just then CJ asked as well. Yes on the former, no on the latter.

Group Tekka

Aug. 8th, 2017 11:03 am
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Bryan asked to stop by in the morning to grab some interview clothes and meds. This is fine with me, but I can't have him there when I'm not. He managed to get a ride over and get some stuff before I left for work.

Christina informed me that she's pregnant which is...such a strange feeling. Tim was excited for it, and I texted that I was excited as well. I don't need to be happy about it as long as I'm happy she's happy.

Norman had booked us for Thursday, but canceled in the afternoon because he's having company come to town. Warren sent me another pic of us from Sunday. It's just so strange that he's apparently scouring the web for pics of us, but not posting them himself. He texted me around 5, asking what time I get home. I said I was already home - he'd apparently been waiting at my place since 4:30. I was just about to vacuum, though, which tends to send a lot of dander into the air.

I showered, he wanted to do something different for Taco Tuesday, and in particular wanted to go to the sushi bar in Clairemont. There was a 15 min wait when we left...which had ballooned to an hour long wait by the time we got there. We walked around the various Asian shops and such, thinking he'd maybe get a milktea or something. There were no soy options, so we just turned around and walked back. We were still about 20 min from time, so we sat around the corner. He's the worst lactose intolerant person ever, and consumes large amounts of dairy on the regular. So...probably not ass eating tonight then. Got it. Thanks.

His Gaybors showed up just in time. There wasn't much vegan on the menu. A cucumber roll, natto, and and tekka - what Warren said was pickled radish. It looked like fish in front of me, so I did a search for the actual roll name, and it turns out it was tuna. Thanks, Warren. They decided to split the bill 4 ways, even though Warren and Chris had eaten the most. I paid $17 for two rolls at the end of it, but I calmed myself down.

Warren was tired when we got back, so just went home instead of coming inside. Okay
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Messaged some with Dimitri about him meeting Chris Mitchell, and about the issues he's having at work trying to get off for Folsom. Messaged with Warren about his work - his manager said if he kept up his work, he'd get promoted by the end of the week. Which is great, because you either get promoted or fired in your first month. They also have a gym on site, so he can miss some traffic, maybe, and become a big muscle top. He also sent me some pics he found of us, but warned me not to tag him in them. Apparently my friends thirst add him every time I do.

Anthony, the gent from the play group, came over. It turns out he was at the party on Saturday - the cute guy in the hot tub with Jim and Chris. He was more into it than I was, but he was ready to be rimmed, which is cool. He's moving to Grenada for vet school, and has a semi-boyfriend there.

After he left, I hit the gym and ran some errands. With Bryan gone and the place relatively clean, I want to try having Warren over in the living room. And I've heard about the allergen reducing Frebreze. Target said they had it, but they were lying, or else it was only online. Ralph's ended up having something like what I was looking for, but by the time I got that and got home, it was way too late to vacuum.
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Slight hangover in the morning, got a message from my Escondido client booking me for the night. Tim came over for breakfast, then Warren picked me up for the party. We went to Glenn's first, then Ubered to the LaFayette. On the way there, he showed me a hilarious image of Mariah Carey holding guns and I couldn't stop giggling over it.

I had forgotten, but Zach was having his birthday that day as well. Since Zach works at Mo's, this means SDPix and a bunch of other people were there, too. Josh recognized Warren, which delighted him to no end. I introduced him to everyone. John S from the Divas show was there, and it turns out Warren had previously hit on his ginger boyfriend before. I've also apparently met the boyfriend before. Warren pissed in the pool twice which...ew. Particularly when there was a bathroom available 10 feet away. Like most "popular kid" parties, no one brought booze to Zach's birthday. Some guy got kicked out for diving into the pool from a balcony, which doesn't make any sense to me. Surely a reprimand would have sufficed? A warning? I guess the public spectacle of getting kicked out deters copycats. Overall, though, it was a great day. I felt horrible when they wanted to go to dinner after, but I had to work.

Walked home, got cleaned up, got to Escondido...and realized I was there an hour early. Client, fortunately, is easy going. We chatted for an hour first again. He hadn't really taken my advice from the last time, and got drunker faster this time, so I'm not sure he was really hearing it. But we fucked, I came for him, he was happy.

I texted Warren when I was done; they'd gone to Baja Betty's and then he went home. He sent me a pic of a not very attractive ginger twink with no context. I'm not attracted to him, but I'm always down for a 3 way. Didn't hear back after that so I went to bed.
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Bryan didn't come back Friday night, and I'd previously told him that he should be fine as long as he was out by today. So...okay then. I did *a lot* of cleaning, but the whole place was much grosser than I'd thought. Multiple partially eaten pizzas buried and covered in ants. Moldy, maggot filled cups and dishes. So much trash and recycling. Strange stains all over the place. He was turning my apartment into a crack house, and I'm lucky I got him out when I did.

I'd invited Warren to the various parties, but he was going to Black's with his Gaybor and friends, but would message me when he got back. TBH, this really reduced my desire to go to said parties. I like showing up with him. I like doing things together. He also mentioned that Glenn had bought his ticket to the LaFayette party tomorrow. Tickets were still $18 if I wanted to go, or we could meet up after. That was nice, so I bought my ticket.

Kevin invited me to a Burning Man fundraiser located at Mike & Ed's house, and that absolutely sounded like something I could do without him. All Kevin said was it was $10 and a snack to bring. I asked if there was a dress code or theme, but he never responded. When I got there, everyone was naked so...when in Rome, I guess. Turns out it was actually a part of the San Diego men's nudist group. I saw a lot of people I knew there. Kevin, of course, Paul, Jim, Chris, and a cute guy with them in the hot tub. Tattoo Tracy, though I don't know him very well, Johnny Czura, Elliot. They had space in the garage set up as a play room, but it was kind of disappointing. There was a sling, but no other surfaces to fuck on, and no one in there. I hung out and talked with people, didn't drink, finally took Kevin in the back, ate his ass and fucked him. We drew a crowd, which started a bunch of other people (mostly) sucking and (a little) fucking. I took a turn in the sling, got fucked by a couple guys, managed to get the name of one of the songs playing. I've got my priorities.

Back at home, I still hadn't heard from Warren. I waited until 11, but finally took off to Bear Night. As soon as I got inside and bought my first drink, I got a text from him. "So we went to dinner and dessert after the beach and I just got done. I'm heading home now but I'm kind of tired and I doubt you still want to come over at this time." Thinking back on this, I'm a little more mixed. But at the time it was telling me he didn't want me to come over. I did let him know I had my ticket, and he wanted to know if I bought just because of him....we did just have that conversation earlier in the day, so.....

I pushed Natalie Portman to the back of my head, had a right decent time. Saw Matt, Matt, Paul, Jason, etc. Got a little too drunk towards the end of the night, but mostly stayed sober. Finally heard a decent remix of "So Emotional," made friends with the DJ's husbear, danced and lip synced for my life, ultimately went home alone.
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Jim wants to hire me for Labor Day, which I want to be okay with, but I've also got the Escondido couple that weekend, and I kind of want to spend the weekend at pool parties with Warren. Warren had an even better day at work - 3 handoffs. No closes, but one of them got pushed off to Monday. Didn't hear from him after that.

Randall took my parking space, we made small talk in the kitchen....We hadn't actually discussed what we'd do, but he suggested dinner, so we went to Betty's. I didn't eat much, but I did have a drink. It was good to catch up with him, and I got to see several other friends while there. He offered me money when we got back, but that would feel gross. I know I'm paid for my time as an escort, but I blur the lines between escort and friend, so if someone doesn't specify that we're doing something for work, I don't feel comfortable.

I finally got together with Peter - him and David are breaking up, which kind of sucks. And they work together, and work is taking sides. I wish I could help more, but I'm pretty much only good for fucking broken hearts into numbness, so that's what I did.


Aug. 3rd, 2017 03:31 pm
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Messaged Bryan again in the morning re: his stuff. He's still trying to figure out where he's going, and the one guy he knows he could stay with does drugs. He "shouldn't be pushed into risking his sobriety." Bryan was getting high less than a week ago.

Paul and Rom were coming over to film in the evening. Rom insisted we use condoms for fucking, but was fine with not using them for oral. Which makes no sense, but whatever. Got the place cleaned up as much as possible. Paul grabbed an XL condom, which he didn't need. He and Rom both seemed uncomfortable with it, which also made it awkward for me.

Tim had asked to come over in the evening, but missed the part where I was shooting amateur porn first. Fortunately, we had just finished when I heard Pupple scratching at the door. Paul was happy, I was fine. Warren had a better day at work - he got his first handoff, though they weren't able to close the sale. It seems weird that his commission should be so reliant on someone else's sales skills.
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Jim asked if I knew anyone in need of cash, because he needed his classroom rearranged. Bryan, of course, is in desperate need of cash, and Jim said he'd pick him up. Bryan declined. I offered to let him keep his stuff in my storage space, but he was pretty negative about that as well.

Damien was having a birthday party in the afternoon. Warren was skeptical about attending, but I promised we'd only be there briefly. I forgot Damian also has a cat, but Warren didn't seem to mind. Everyone was pretty drunk by the time we got there. Warren decided to sit inside on the couch, which was only weird because no one else was. I rubbed his feet, we chatted. Todd and Vick were there. Todd has been unimpressed with me the previous times we've met, but he apparently forgot those, because he was downright flirty. Warren had some of the pizza despite being lactose intolerant. Damian ordered a vegan pizza, which I'd have declined, but I wanted Warren to get some food that wouldn't fuck up his stomach. Turns out he doesn't like Daiya, though, so he stuck with the regular pizza.

Damian has a friend named Kevin who reminds me strongly of Richard. Works in social services, covers social discomfort with talking, drinker. He works with survivors of sexual abuse, and assumed that's what my nonprofit is about. Awkward.

We stayed longer than I'd anticipated but still left before most other people so Warren could get to bed.


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